Thank you Team17 for providing us with a review code!

When you first launch Date Everything! you’ll begin by filling out your name (your Steam name is the default), pronouns (they/them is an option), and city of residence on an employment application for Valdivian. Lucky you! You get hired for a remote work position. On your first day of work you find out that your job is in limbo and eventually taken over by AI. Shortly after learning about your dismissal, a disgruntled employee ships a strange pair of glasses to your house. While wearing these glasses almost everything in your house is personified and dateable.

The base game comes with one-hundred dateable characters and there’s DLC available to add a few more. The DLC is $7.99 by itself or only $5 more if you buy it with the game. There are a lot of variety in objects to date and their personalities are quite diverse. Some are outgoing while others are demanding or toxic. The personalities often fit the object they are associated with. For example, your stove Stefan is obsessed with cooking, is a bit terse and is often softened up by his chicken timer. Meanwhile your air fryer, Friar Errol, is convinced that his cooking method is superior and tries to win over converts to his beliefs. Many of the dateable objects have pun-themed names; your microwave goes by Luke Nuke’m and your make up’s name is Barry Styles.

Each dateable is aligned with one of five attributes: Charm, Empathy, Poise, Sass, and Smarts. After talking with objects and/or completing quests for them you can attain one of three relationship statuses with them (friendship, hate, or love). No matter the relationship status you’ll typically earn five points in whatever category the dateable is aligned with. If your relationship ends in hate, you won’t be able to turn them into a human later in the game. One of the characters, Keith, will give you a piece of candy for each of the attributes to convert a hateful relationship to a friendly. Sadly, these candies are limited in supply. Unfortunately, I experienced a glitch in my game where I was shorted five points somewhere. As a result, I never got my charm to 100 and was not able to fully realize/humanize all of the characters.

The dialogue is exceptionally funny in this title. I love how you are given a synopsis of their escapades after you realize each character. You’ll also get an art CG and conclusion for each realized character after completing the game. During your conversations you’ll get hundreds of mini art collectibles that are impossible to completely attain in one playthrough. It took me over thirty hours to talk to and mostly humanize everyone in one playthrough.

There’s a lot of content in Date Everything! Sadly, much of it is inappropriate. The language is very vulgar and has every word and blaspheme in the English language. While sexual content is not shown, it is vividly detailed with many analogies. Sexuality is very open in this title and if you’re a smooth talker you can sleep with any person/object regardless of their gender. Some of the characters are obviously transgendered or non-binary. I chose to leave those relationships as friends with the exception of a very rude LGBTQ+ duck bath toy that I opted to hate.

I appreciate that there’s a content warning option that will give you the option to skip storylines of heavily sexualized or abusive characters and let you ultimately choose the relationship status. Even with this filter in place there is a lot of content that should not be within earshot of children. One of the skip-able storylines involves conducting a séance to help a ghost get closure on her murder.

Other notable issues include sexualized attire including dominatrix outfits. Even if your character sticks with non-alcoholic drinks that won’t stop other characters from getting drunk. One of the dateables has a pipe but when you ask him what’s inside he says bubbles.

The existential dread character, Doug, is also skip-able but has some funny lines. He’s basically a jerk, but you can make him tolerable if you’re a smooth talker. I laughed when he said that he reads stories to elderly people in nursing homes. When asked what stories he reads them, he replied with obituaries.

Date Everything! is a hilarious concept and is executed brilliantly. If you’re not a fan of LGBTQ+ content being rammed down your throat, you may want to skip this game. However, if you can take that agenda in stride, there’s some funny (but mature!) writing here.