Thank you VaragtP for sending us this game to review!

Cooking Witch is a simple and casual game where your goal is to capture and cook children by throwing them into your giant cauldron. As gruesome as this sounds, the game is rather silly in its presentation and thankfully, it’s not that gory. Your ultimate goal is to collect as much meat as possible which can be spent on various upgrades to your witch’s stats, broom, hook, and cauldron.

The children are broken down into colors and each one yields different rewards. Besides meat, all of the children will give you some stars, which are used to extend the time in the level. Children dressed in green provide the most amount of stars while the chunkier yellow ones give you a lot of meat. The heavier kids will drain more stamina and will take more effort to bring to the cauldron safely. Children dressed in red will give you a heart, which replenishes some of the witch’s health.

At the beginning of the level, you’re given some simple objectives like cooking a certain quality or color of children. At the end of a level, you’ll be awarded up to three stars depending on how many objectives you have completed. As you collect stars, you’ll unlock upgrade paths for your broom, cauldron, and fishing hook.

As you can imagine, the fathers are not too happy about you eating their children. After a couple of the kids are tossed into your cauldron, the dads will come out with their rifles. If you drop a child on top of their head they’ll get knocked out and you can throw them into your cauldron too! Some of the mission objectives involve knocking out or cooking a specified number of fathers.

If your aim is off while dropping a child into the cauldron or on top of a pesky dad, chances are they will not survive the fall. You can still grab their body and toss it into the cauldron to get the meat and stars you desire. In case you are wondering, yes, there are objectives and Steam achievements for intentionally splatting children on the ground.

As I mentioned earlier, there is no blood or gore as this game is as silly as it is wrong. The children are all wearing pumpkins on their head so you cannot see their expressions alive or dead. The graphics aren’t incredibly detailed either. Once picked up, the kids cry like infants so they seem to know that they’re doomed.

While I’m not sure what kind of music goes well with cooking children, I don’t think public domain classical music is the most fitting for this virtual cooking workshop. Despite the lackluster visuals and audio, I can’t complain about the meager asking price of $1.99.

Besides the objectionable premise, my only other complaints are with the game’s interface. You cannot pause the game or alt-tab out of it without losing the mouse cursor. The graphics quality is adjustable, but not the sound levels. When it comes to the music and sound effects they can only be turned on or off.

When all is said and done, this is a simple title that is goofy and fun to play in short spurts. If you’re looking for a game to entertain you for hours on end, then you’ll want to continue your search. This game is light on your wallet, but definitely doesn’t promote good values whatsoever.