In a dark place

[prunehairs]

Hi everyone. I have never really made a forum thread for something like this so I don't know how to go about doing it. I guess I'll just get right into it. Basically I am a very depressed 18 year old male with severe anxiety issues. I have struggled with depression for many years and have seen many doctors and tried many medications I have even been to the hospital for a suicide attempt. I don't have friends which is the main reason I came to this site, in hopes of finding one. I just can't seem to find anyone like me, I can't find someone that fits what I need. Well...I did find someone. My last counselor. She was everything I ever wanted and I have never known anyone like her. The problem is, I kind of fell in love with her. Awkward. But it's more than just awkward. She is married, twice my age, has kids, and was my counselor. I have never found someone like her and to know she is exactly what I have always been looking for but I can't even talk to her or see her now is horrible. I could get much more into it and into my life but I don't think anyone really wants to hear it. Let me just get to the point now. Does God really answer prayers? I have prayed to him over and over for many different things. I have asked that he make himself real to me because over the past 5 years my faith has become more and more lost. I have prayed for love. I want to find that one person for me more than anything I need to but I have gotten no answer whatsoever. I have asked for a friend. I have asked for forgiveness. I have asked for strength and for change, to feel better and resolve my issues. None of this has been answered. How can I believe in God if he doesn't show me he is real or that he does care and love me? It seems like only bad things happen to me and they continue to get worse, never better like people say it will just worse. I just don't know what to think. I feel like I've lost my mind. I know I am strange, I bet no one else posts things like this on here. But what do I have to lose? Nothing...My self esteem has been crushed years ago. I don't know if this thread is appropriate for this site maybe I am being to personal. I am afraid to be sharing all of this. I will end this post here and I apologize for my rant. If this needs to be removed or moved to a different thread so be it. Thanks for reading.

[ArchAngel]

Hey Prune (or however you'd like to be called),
So you're an 18 year old guy suffering from loneliness, depression, and anxiety issues? So, a normal 18 year old? I don't mean to discount any of your struggles with this, I just want you to know a lot of us can relate with what you're going through. I regard that time of my life as darkest and worst I've ever had. I was depressed, lonely, and suffered some pretty terrible self-esteem. Arguably, I still suffer low self-esteem, but only 1 out of 3 ain't so bad. It does get better.

So, you want friends? Great, so do we all. I think there can be a mutually beneficial arrangement. Don't discount yourself so quickly as being uninteresting to others, or that they'd not want to hear about your life. True to our human nature, we need connections with others and people will be interested in your just because you're a person and probably worth to get to know. You posted here and people took the time to reply, including myself. And I'm a self-important tool. So, you got that going for you.

One thing that I noticed, if you don't mind me analyzing a tad, you seem preoccupied to find a friendship for what it can do for you. You came here for friends, you can't find someone that fits what you need, your counselor was everything you wanted, etc. Now, I'm not trying to paint you as a selfish person, these are perfectly normal and natural needs. But, unfortunately, they work against you for your goals. It's weird, but with relationships, sometimes the more you want them, the less likely you'd get it. I've certainly seen the effects of this in my life.
Nobody wants to enter a relationship, whether platonic or romantic, to help the other person's needs. Nobody becomes a friend as a favor. We enter into relationships because we mutually benefit. In a sense, what do you bring to the table? Now, this isn't a time to think, "oh, I have nothing to bring to the table and I'll be alone forever" (that's at least what I would have thought). You have plenty to bring to the table. You have a personality, you have interests, you have experiences; these are all uniquely yours. So, here, we're a gaming site, and in a previous post, you said you played PC games. Fantastic, so do I. In fact, I'm almost exclusively a PC gamer. We talk about our favorite games, or suggest new ones to try, etc. These are the foundations of friendships. And you know what, since we people have a myriad of different interests, this forum has a lot of places to talk about them. Into movies? We have a movie area. Into art? Start talking about it. I'm crazy about science, especially space and dinosaurs. These topics come up and you can jump into them if you share that interest.
And that's really all it takes.

So, try not to focus on your loneliness or how you want a friend. Just come here and start talking about things you like, people will be sure to latch on to some of them. Maybe not all, but some. Or even better, why not try out somebody else's interests. Who knows, it might be for you.
One of the best things I learned when I was depressed and lonely was to let go. The act of letting go lets you be yourself and you'll find that sometimes your problems go away. Now, it's not easy, but when it comes to you, it'll come to you.


Now, I'm not really one to go for spiritual advice, but I will share one bible verse with you that helped me out a lot and I still hold very dearly. It reminded me of not only what I actually wanted in life, but that there was hope for better things.

• But those who hope in the Lord
  will renew their strength.
  They will soar on wings like eagles;
  they will run and not grow weary,
  they will walk and not be faint.
  --Isaiah 40:31

[brandon1984]

I can second virtually all of what Arch said in wisdom. Here’s what I’ll add:

Prune, my friend, the answer is yes, God answers prayers. But, you must realize something. To put it bluntly God is not Santa Claus or a genie. God wants you to seek Him so that you can share common interests with God.

I am so sorry about your suffering. There must be several people on this website who can empathize because we have experienced similar although unique problems including myself. Please, don’t let the darkness overrun your mind. Keep your mind on what is good and holy. My friend, I recommend seeking God wholly by both prayer and reading scripture and in every aspect of your life. Knock and the door will be opened.

If you are planning on going to college you may have a wonderful opportunity to make new friends in a different setting. Seek out friends like yourself but remember to actually get friends you will have to place a down payment of yourself often for nothing in return. Open up and let yourself shine and bring positive energy and suppress negative energy. If ever a negative thought surfaces flush it down the toilet of uselessness. But, if nothing else works then always remember to love everyone regardless. Things will work out but you must trust in God who made you and gave you your good and unique qualities and even gave you your desires.

As I write this I realize that I need to take my own advice because I am not perfect and often fall into seeing the world negatively (glass half empty) as much as I preach against it.

[Chozon1]

Praying for you amigo. I can't really say anything else helpful, but I think a lot of people have been in a dark place like that...That doesn't lessen the pain, make life any easier; just let's you know we've been there.

[Sstavix]

Perhaps the darkness you're going through now has a purpose - to make you appreciate the light you will eventually emerge into, and to make you so much stronger in the future. I tend to think that the problems and trouble we go through in life is like a blacksmiths forge. In order to get stronger, a smith has to subject the steel to all sorts of terrible ordeals (heat to the point of nearly melting, then repeatedly getting whacked with a heavy instrument against a hard surface). But in the end, the instrument becomes so much stronger and able to withstand nearly everything that comes against it. So try not to think of them as hardships, but "spiritual conditioning."

Have you been able to make friends at the church you attend? If you don't attend church, have you thought about it? Churches can be a great place to meet with people who share the same beliefs as you, and are usually welcoming to others.

Another thought occurs to me thanks to a hymn about "counting your blessings." Instead of dwelling on what you lack, try to focus upon what you have. Thank God for the things you have in your life that you've tended to overlook or take for granted (this is advice I often need to take myself). When you compare all the things you do have, sometimes the things you lack pale in comparison.

I think joining an online community with people who share common interests is a good move, too.

I'll include you in my prayers that you will be able to find the comfort and camaraderie you seek, and that your experiences will ultimately help you become stronger and wiser.

[JOJ650s]

I understand just about everything your going through governor,
I have been though a lot of similar things,
I couldn't see myself getting stronger it at the time,
but now I can say that those events did make me stronger.
(And dare I say, now I am kinda glad they happened. )
Here's a verse I know well.

Dear brothers and sisters, when troubles come your way, consider it an opportunity for great joy.
For you know that when your faith is tested, your endurance has a chance to grow.
So let it grow, for when your endurance is fully developed, you will be perfect and complete, needing nothing.
James 1:2-4

I'll be praying for you buddy!

Feel free to PM me here, or chat on steam whenever!
It's no bother at all, no really.

Also If you ever want to play Team Fortress 2 or something let me know!
There are times I may not be available for long, (or at all.)
but by all means, do let me know if you want to play,
I had fun playing Team Fortress 2 with ya. (Why, it was a shame that I had to leave so soon.)

[prunehairs]

First off, I hope you are all doing fantastic today! To be honest I don't really know how to respond to all of you. Once again I didn't expect so much positive feedback. You guys are all so kind and caring. I just want to thank each and every one of you for your kind words, prayers, and advice/support. I will take what you have said to me and I will use it as I try to grow as a person and a believer. Thank you all.