Why did they kick the elephants out of the public pool?
Cuz they kept dropping their trunks!
Ahhhahahaha.... *awkward silence*
The Joke Thread
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UltraHyperGaMeR
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ArcticFox
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After eating, do amphibians have to wait one hour before getting out of the water?
How can there be self-help groups?
If white wine goes with fish, do white grapes go with sushi?
If someone has a mid-life crisis while playing hide and seek, does he automatically lose because he can't find himself?
If someone with multiple personalities threatens to kill himself, is it considered a hostage situation?
Instead of talking to your plants, if you yelled at them would they still grow, but only to be troubled and insecure?
Is there another word for synonym?
Isn't it a bit unnerving that doctors call what they do "practice"?
When sign-makers go on strike, is anything written on their picket signs?
When your pet bird sees you reading the newspaper, does he wonder why you're just sitting there, staring at carpeting?
Where do forest rangers go to "get away from it all"?
Why isn't there a mouse-flavored cat food?
Or cat-flavored dog food?
Why do they report power outages on TV?
Why are builders afraid to have a 13th floor but book publishers aren't afraid to have a Chapter 11?
How can there be self-help groups?
If white wine goes with fish, do white grapes go with sushi?
If someone has a mid-life crisis while playing hide and seek, does he automatically lose because he can't find himself?
If someone with multiple personalities threatens to kill himself, is it considered a hostage situation?
Instead of talking to your plants, if you yelled at them would they still grow, but only to be troubled and insecure?
Is there another word for synonym?
Isn't it a bit unnerving that doctors call what they do "practice"?
When sign-makers go on strike, is anything written on their picket signs?
When your pet bird sees you reading the newspaper, does he wonder why you're just sitting there, staring at carpeting?
Where do forest rangers go to "get away from it all"?
Why isn't there a mouse-flavored cat food?
Or cat-flavored dog food?
Why do they report power outages on TV?
Why are builders afraid to have a 13th floor but book publishers aren't afraid to have a Chapter 11?
"He who takes offense when no offense is intended is a fool, and he who takes offense when offense is intended is a greater fool."
—Brigham Young
"Don't take refuge in the false security of consensus."
—Christopher Hitchens
—Brigham Young
"Don't take refuge in the false security of consensus."
—Christopher Hitchens
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oregorn1997
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UltraHyperGaMeR wrote:Why did they kick the elephants out of the public pool?
Cuz they kept dropping their trunks!
Ahhhahahaha.... *awkward silence*
This made me laugh a little too much xD That is absolutely hilarious!
I am the Slayer... Of creepers... maybe a skele or two... and occasionally a zombie...
Anyone want some gunpowder?
Anyone want some gunpowder?
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Eternalife4ever
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What do I you call a guy who is not crazy?
Norm
Norm
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Sstavix
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I can't stop laughing at this.
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Deepfreeze32
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The past, present, and future walk into a bar.
It was very tense.
It was very tense.
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ArcticFox
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omg that's funny. I love it.Sstavix wrote: I can't stop laughing at this.
"He who takes offense when no offense is intended is a fool, and he who takes offense when offense is intended is a greater fool."
—Brigham Young
"Don't take refuge in the false security of consensus."
—Christopher Hitchens
—Brigham Young
"Don't take refuge in the false security of consensus."
—Christopher Hitchens
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Mozzy_23
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Chicken Little
Mrs. Fleshman goes to the butcher shop to buy a chicken for the Sunday meal. The butcher has only one scrawny chicken left. He puts it on the scale.
"Three pounds," he says.
"That's too scrawny; don't you have something bigger?" Mrs. Fleshman asks.
He pretends to rummage around, and then puts the same chicken back on the scale, while pressing with his thumb.
"Three and a half pounds," he says.
"That looks better," says Mrs. Fleshman. "I'll take them both."
Mrs. Fleshman goes to the butcher shop to buy a chicken for the Sunday meal. The butcher has only one scrawny chicken left. He puts it on the scale.
"Three pounds," he says.
"That's too scrawny; don't you have something bigger?" Mrs. Fleshman asks.
He pretends to rummage around, and then puts the same chicken back on the scale, while pressing with his thumb.
"Three and a half pounds," he says.
"That looks better," says Mrs. Fleshman. "I'll take them both."
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awesomerandomgamer99
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Chuck Norris walked into a bar... and the bar ran for it's life.
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robert8555
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love this because as some one who is in to computers i can see the funniest in itDeepfreeze32 wrote:I think it's time for another computer joke!
A programmer is out on his back porch with his wife. He pulls out a cigarette, and lights it up. His wife says "Those things are dangerous for you! Didn't you notice the warning label?" The man replies "I'm a programmer. I worry about errors, not warnings."
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ccgr
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A husband went to the sheriff's department to report that his wife was missing:
Husband : - My wife is missing. She went shopping yesterday and has not come home.
Sergeant : - What is her height?
Husband: - Gee, I’m not sure. A little over five feet tall.
Sergeant : - Weight?
Husband: - Don't know. Not slim, not really fat.
Sergeant : - Color of eyes?
Husband : - Never noticed.
Sergeant : - Color of hair?
Husband : - Changes a couple times a year . .. . maybe dark brown.
Sergeant : - What was she wearing?
Husband: - Could have been a skirt or shorts. I don’t remember exactly.
Sergeant : - What kind of car did she go in?
Husband : - She went in my truck.
Sergeant : - What kind of truck was it?
Husband : - Brand new 2014 Ford F150 King Ranch 4 X4 with Eco-boost 5.0L V8 engine special ordered with manual transmission. It has a custom matching white cover for the bed. Custom leather seats, DVD with Navigation, 21 channel CB radio, 6 cup holders, 4 power outlets, custom “Bubba” floor mats, trailering package with gold hitch. Put on special alloy wheels and off road Michelin's. Wife put a small scratch on the drivers door. At this point the husband started tearing up.
Sergeant: - Don't worry Bubba.......We’ll find your truck.
Husband : - My wife is missing. She went shopping yesterday and has not come home.
Sergeant : - What is her height?
Husband: - Gee, I’m not sure. A little over five feet tall.
Sergeant : - Weight?
Husband: - Don't know. Not slim, not really fat.
Sergeant : - Color of eyes?
Husband : - Never noticed.
Sergeant : - Color of hair?
Husband : - Changes a couple times a year . .. . maybe dark brown.
Sergeant : - What was she wearing?
Husband: - Could have been a skirt or shorts. I don’t remember exactly.
Sergeant : - What kind of car did she go in?
Husband : - She went in my truck.
Sergeant : - What kind of truck was it?
Husband : - Brand new 2014 Ford F150 King Ranch 4 X4 with Eco-boost 5.0L V8 engine special ordered with manual transmission. It has a custom matching white cover for the bed. Custom leather seats, DVD with Navigation, 21 channel CB radio, 6 cup holders, 4 power outlets, custom “Bubba” floor mats, trailering package with gold hitch. Put on special alloy wheels and off road Michelin's. Wife put a small scratch on the drivers door. At this point the husband started tearing up.
Sergeant: - Don't worry Bubba.......We’ll find your truck.
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LegoFan560
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That's great!
What does a dog do that a man steps in?
Pants.
What's brown and sticky?
A stick.
What does a dog do that a man steps in?
Pants.
What's brown and sticky?
A stick.
@Cheryl: Thanks for a wonderful community. It is a pleasure and honor to be a part of it.
"Well then, carry on chaps."
-Deepfreeze32
"it's not malware guys it's linux ;)"
-ccgr
"Go play outside. That's what I'm going to do now."
-ccgr
"Well then, carry on chaps."
-Deepfreeze32
"it's not malware guys it's linux ;)"
-ccgr
"Go play outside. That's what I'm going to do now."
-ccgr
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SilverGMike777
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Okay I have two jokes.
There was a very gracious lady who was mailing an old family bible to her brother in another part of the country.
"Is there anything breakable in here?" asked the postal clerk.
"Only the Ten Commandments," answered the lady.
There is the story of a pastor who got up one Sunday and announced to his congregation:
"I have good news and bad news. The good news is, we have enough money to pay for our new building program. The bad news is, it's still out there in your pockets."
There was a very gracious lady who was mailing an old family bible to her brother in another part of the country.
"Is there anything breakable in here?" asked the postal clerk.
"Only the Ten Commandments," answered the lady.
There is the story of a pastor who got up one Sunday and announced to his congregation:
"I have good news and bad news. The good news is, we have enough money to pay for our new building program. The bad news is, it's still out there in your pockets."
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SilverGMike777
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A Sunday school teacher began her lesson with a question,
"Boys and girls, what do we know about God?
A hand shot up in the air,
"He is an artist!" said the kindergarten boy.
"Really? How do you know?" the teacher asked.
"You know - Our Father, who does art in Heaven...."
"Boys and girls, what do we know about God?
A hand shot up in the air,
"He is an artist!" said the kindergarten boy.
"Really? How do you know?" the teacher asked.
"You know - Our Father, who does art in Heaven...."