The Joke Thread

[ArchAngel]

Haha, nice. Seems perfectly reasonable to me.

[rrlmine12]

And one last post for the night. So 3 guys walk up to their hotel, the hotel is 150 stories tall and their floor is on the 149th floor. They walk inside to find that the elevator is out. One of the guys says "lets make the time pass faster by breaking this up into 3 parts: I'll tell jokes for the first 50 floors, you sing songs for the next 50, then you tell sad stories for the last 49". So they do so, 50 floors pass and the guy told jokes. Next 50 floors the other guy sung songs; no problem. On the 148th floor, the last friend tells a story "so these 3 guys live in a 150 story tall hotel and the elevator is out. So they are on the 148th floor, after walking so many stairs, when the 3rd guy realizes that he left each of their key cards to their rooms back in the car".

[ccgr]

good one!

[LegoFan560]

A pastor was giving the children's message during church. For this part of the service, he would gather all the children around him and give a brief lesson before dismissing them for children's church.

On this particular Sunday, he was using squirrels for an object lesson on industry and preparation. He started out by saying, "I'm going to describe something, and I want you to raise your hand when you know what it is." The children nodded eagerly.

"This thing lives in trees (pause) and eats nuts (pause)..." No hands went up. "And it is gray (pause) and has a long bushy tail (pause)..." The children were looking at each other, but still no hands raised. "And it jumps from branch to branch (pause) and chatters and flips its tail when it's excited (pause)..."

Finally one little boy tentatively raised his hand. The pastor breathed a sigh of relief and called on him. "Well," said the boy, "I *know* the answer must be Jesus ... but it sure sounds like a squirrel to me!"

[ccgr]

An old blind cowboy wanders into an all-girl biker bar by mistake...

He finds his way to a bar stool and orders a shot of Jack Daniels.

After sitting there for a while, he yells to the bartender, 'Hey, you wanna hear a blonde joke?'

The bar immediately falls absolutely silent.

In a very deep, husky voice, the woman next to him says, 'Before you tell that joke, Cowboy, I think it is only fair, given that you are blind, that you should know five things:

1. The bartender is a blonde girl with a baseball bat.

2. The bouncer is a blonde girl with a 'Billy-Club'.

3. I'm a 6-foot tall, 175-pound blonde woman with a black belt in karate.

4. The woman sitting next to me is blonde and a professional weight lifter.

5. The lady to your right is blonde and a professional wrestler.

'Now, think about it seriously, Cowboy.... Do you still wanna tell that blonde joke?'

The blind cowboy thinks for a second, shakes his head and mutters, 'No...not if I'm gonna have to explain it five times..........

[ArcticFox]

Most people don't know that back in 1912, Hellmann's mayonnaise was

manufactured in England. In fact, the Titanic was carrying 12,000 jars

of the condiment scheduled for delivery in Vera Cruz, Mexico, which was

to be the next port of call for the great ship after its stop in New

York . This would have been the largest single shipment of mayonnaise

ever delivered to Mexico . But as we know, the great ship did not make

it to New York . The ship hit an iceberg and sank. The people of

Mexico, who were crazy about mayonnaise, and were eagerly awaiting its

delivery, were disconsolate at the loss. Their anguish was so great,

that they declared a National Day of Mourning.


The National Day of Mourning occurs each year on May 5th and is known,

of course, as —

Spoiler:

Sinko De Mayo.

[ArchAngel]

That was just the right amount of groan for a properly set up pun.

That also explains all the tacos slathered in mayo.

[rrlmine12]

Actually a true story, but still just stupid.

So I was reading this New York newspaper article, because I was bored, on meat.
It said "Hunters should not hunt animals because we already have meat on the shelves in supermarkets where no animal had to die to make it".
I just had to think to myself 2 things; 1 is this guy a complete idiot, and 2, what are they passing for meat up in New York?!

[Sstavix]

So I was reading this New York newspaper article, because I was bored, on meat.
It said "Hunters should not hunt animals because we already have meat on the shelves in supermarkets where no animal had to die to make it".
I just had to think to myself 2 things; 1 is this guy a complete idiot, and 2, what are they passing for meat up in New York?!

Sounds to me like the reporter didn't do enough research. I've seen that a lot in journalism, unfortunately....

[Chozon1]

I'm not sure that counts as "lack of research" so much as a lack of something else.

[ArcticFox]

Ol' Fred had been a faithful Christian and was in the hospital, near death. The family called their preacher to stand with them.

As the preacher stood next to the bed, Ol' Fred's condition appeared to deteriorate and he motioned frantically for something to write on. The pastor lovingly handed him a pen and a piece of paper, and Ol' Fred used his last bit of energy to scribble a note, then suddenly died. The preacher thought it best not to look at the note at that time, so he placed it in his jacket pocket.

At the funeral, as he was finishing the message, he realized that he was wearing the same jacket that he was wearing when Ol' Fred died. He said,

"You know, Ol' Fred handed me a note just before he died. I haven't looked at it, but knowing Fred, I'm sure there's a word of inspiration there for us all."

He opened the note and read,

Spoiler:

"Please step to your left--you're standing on my oxygen tube!"

[Emwok]

That's terrible, but hilarious all at the same time.

[Foxotic]

Took me a moment to get the parrot joke, i was like.. wuuut? then at that moment i bursted out laughing cuz the turkey HAHAHAHA.. the turkey got .. HAHAHAHAH he doesnt have a.. haha ... have a head lol! Parrot thought he was gonna be eaten or something so he shut up real quick xD

-- Anyways joke.

Police arrested two kids yesterday, one was drinking battery acid, the other was eating fireworks. They charged one - and let the other one off.

HAHAHAHA xD

[Emwok]

XD That's pretty good.

[TheAlexTDB]

Q. Who was the greatest financier in the Bible?

A. Noah; he was floating his stock while everyone was in liquidation.

And...

Q. Why didn't Noah go Fishing?

A. He only had 2 worms.