The Joke Thread

[ArcticFox]

I had a dream the other night. I was in the Old West riding in a stagecoach. Suddenly, a man riding a horse pulled up to the left side of the stagecoach, and a riderless horse pulled up on the right.

The man leaned down, pulled open the door, and jumped off his horse into the stagecoach. Then he opened the other door and jumped onto the other horse.

Just before he rode off, I yelled out, "What was all that about?"

He replied,

Spoiler:

"Nothing. It's just a stage I'm going through."

[ccgr]

A man come to his Rabbi, clearly distraught. The Rabbi asks him what his trouble is. The man says "Rabbi, all my life I've tried to give my son a good Jewish education, raise him in an observant household, involve him in home and synagogue ritual, and bring him up in a strong Jewish community. But as soon as he left home, he became a Christian! What did I do wrong? What am I to do from here?"

The Rabbi says "funny you should ask me. The same thing happened to me! I sent my son to Jewish schools, kept a kosher home, brought him with me to shul, but the Rabbi's son, of all people, also became a Christian!" So the two of them went together to inquire one of the most prominent Rabbis of the area, who sits on a large city's Rabbinic court, whose kosher inspections are respected throughout the country.

This Rabbi says "funny you should ask me. My family is totally immersed in Judaism, but my son became a Christian, too. I'm at a total loss." So the three of them went to one of the greatest Rabbis of the generation, whose answers to difficult questions are read and followed throughout the world, whose decisions are published in books that are read throughout the observant community.

He says "funny you should ask me. I wanted my son to be like me, making sure he knew every single thing about Judaism. Day and night he learned Torah and Gemara. But one day, he came home and told me he had become a Christian." Still flummoxed, the four of them could think of no alternative but to ask God.

So they, in the midst of prayer, ask God for guidance about their sons. God responds "funny you should ask me..."

[ArchAngel]

*slow clap*

[ArcticFox]

A Florida senior citizen drove his brand new Corvette convertible out
of the dealership. Taking off down the road, he pushed it to 80 mph,
enjoying the wind blowing through what little hair he had left.
"Amazing," he thought as he flew down I-95, pushing the pedal even more.

Looking in his rear view mirror, he saw a Florida State Trooper, blue
lights flashing and siren blaring. He floored it to 100 mph, then 110,
then 120. Suddenly he thought, "What am I doing? I'm too old for this!"
and pulled over to await the trooper's arrival.

Pulling in behind him, the trooper got out of his vehicle and walked
up to the Corvette. He looked at his watch, then said, "Sir, my shift
ends in 30 minutes. Today is Friday. If you can give me a new reason
for speeding--a reason I've never before heard -- I'll let you go."

The old gentleman paused then said: "Three years ago, my wife ran off
with a Florida State Trooper. I thought you were bringing her back.

"Have a good day, Sir," replied the trooper.

[ArcticFox]

A guy is driving around the back woods and he sees a sign in front of a broken down shanty-style house:

'Talking Dog For Sale '

He rings the bell and the owner appears and tells him the dog is in the backyard.

The guy goes into the backyard and sees a nice looking Labrador retriever sitting there.

'You talk?' he asks.

'Yep,' the Lab replies.

After the guy recovers from the shock of hearing a dog talk, he says 'So, what's your story?'

The Lab looks up and says, 'Well, I discovered that I could talk when I was pretty young. I wanted to help the government, so... I told the CIA.

In no time at all they had me jetting from country to country, sitting in rooms with spies and world leaders, because no one figured a dog would be eavesdropping.'

'I was one of their most valuable spies for eight years running . . .

But the jetting around really tired me out, and I knew I wasn't getting any younger so I decided to settle down. I signed up for a job at the airport to do some undercover security, wandering near suspicious characters and listening in. I uncovered some incredible dealings and was awarded a batch of medals.' 'I got married, had a mess of puppies, and now I'm just retired.'

The guy is amazed. He goes back in and asks the owner what he wants for the dog.

'Ten dollars,' the guy says.

'Ten dollars? This dog is amazing! Why on earth are you selling him so cheap?'

'Because he's a liar. He's never been out of the yard'

[ArchAngel]

Lol, nice. At the punchline, I had an urge to correct the joke in that dogs, or any other animal, can't lie because they are unable to formulate a theory of self, a trait unique to humans.
But then, why am I nit-picking over this on a joke about a talking dog?

[delve]

I believe research has shown that elephants formulate a theory of self. I think dolphins as well, but I don't recall why I think that. Dogs? I dunno... I'm leery of assigning much intelligence to an animal that loves nothing more than rolling around in its own poo.

[ArchAngel]

I probably should clarify what I mean by a theory of self since it sounds like too different things. I have actually been using it incorrectly. I should have said "Theory of Mind."
I don't mean it that an animal can't recognize itself in a mirror and such, but that the a being understands what they know is different from what another knows. They shown this with humans, that before 2.5 years old, a child cannot differentiate between what person A knows and person B knows, but assumes they all see and know the same thing, namely what they know. After a while, they can start telling that someone might know more than another. In this sense, lying and asking questions is an incredibly mental feat that is reserved as far as we know, to humans.

Source
And another

[delve]

Ah. That's a different topic.

Besides, talking dog.

[ArchAngel]

Yeah, my bad for using the wrong term.

[ccgr]

back on topic.....


An elderly couple had just learned how to send text messages on their cell phones.

The wife was a romantic type and the husband was more of a no-nonsense guy.

One afternoon the wife went out to meet a friend for coffee.

She decided to send her husband a romantic text message and she wrote:

"If you are sleeping, send me your dreams.
If you are laughing, send me your smile.
If you are eating, send me a bite.
If you are drinking, send me a sip.
If you are crying, send me your tears.
I love you."
The husband texted back to her: "I'm on the toilet.
Please advise."

[ChickenSoup]

I probably should clarify what I mean by a theory of self since it sounds like too different things. I have actually been using it incorrectly. I should have said "Theory of Mind."
I don't mean it that an animal can't recognize itself in a mirror and such, but that the a being understands what they know is different from what another knows. They shown this with humans, that before 2.5 years old, a child cannot differentiate between what person A knows and person B knows, but assumes they all see and know the same thing, namely what they know. After a while, they can start telling that someone might know more than another. In this sense, lying and asking questions is an incredibly mental feat that is reserved as far as we know, to humans.

Source
And another

Having just taken Developmental Psych, I affirm this and find it all quite fascinating

[ArchAngel]

YUSS

[Emwok]

back on topic.....


An elderly couple had just learned how to send text messages on their cell phones.

The wife was a romantic type and the husband was more of a no-nonsense guy.

One afternoon the wife went out to meet a friend for coffee.

She decided to send her husband a romantic text message and she wrote:

"If you are sleeping, send me your dreams.
If you are laughing, send me your smile.
If you are eating, send me a bite.
If you are drinking, send me a sip.
If you are crying, send me your tears.
I love you."
The husband texted back to her: "I'm on the toilet.
Please advise."

LOL!!!!!

[ArcticFox]

An older man, not in the best physical condition, asked the trainer in the gym, "I want to impress a beautiful young girl.

Which machine should I use?"

The trainer replied,

Spoiler:

"The ATM!"