The Joke Thread

[ccgr]

An elderly couple, Lucy & John, were recently attending church services at The Villages. About halfway through the service, Lucy took a pen and paper out of her purse, wrote a note and handed it to John. The note said:" I just let out a silent fart, what do you think I should do?" John scribbled back, " Put a new battery in your hearing aid."

[ArcticFox]

Hee good one

[ccgr]

Good old Chicago...............

I was in St. Pete's Beach, Florida the other day and I saw a bumper sticker on a parked car that read, "I miss Chicago."

So I broke the window, stole the radio, shot out two of the tires and left a note that read, "I hope this helps!"

[Mr_Hole_Digger]

George Washington, Abraham Lincoln, and George Bush are in a plane.

The pilot says that the passengers must lighten their load. so the three presidents decide to drop one item

George Washington drops a quarter

Abe Lincoln drops a penny

George Bush drops a grenade

When the presidents land, they find someone holding their head and cursing.

George Washington asks the man what's wrong.

"i was walking down the street when a quarter falls from the sky and hits my head!"

So the presidents continue down the road and find someone hopping on one foot, holding the other, cursing. Abe Lincoln asks "What happened?"

"i was standing on my porch barefoot when a penny falls from the sky and hits it!"

The presidents continue once more and find a young boy laughing hysterically.

George Bush asks "What's so funny?"

The boy replies "i farted and my house exploded!!!"

[ArcticFox]

A trucker came into a truck stop cafe and placed his order. He said, "I want three flat tires, a pair of headlights, and
pair of running boards."

The brand-new waitress, not wanting to appear stupid, went to the kitchen and said to the cook, "This guy out there
just ordered three flat tires, a pair of headlights, and a pair of running boards. What does he think this place is, an
auto parts store?"

"No," the cook said. "Three flat tires mean three pancakes, a pair of headlights is two eggs sunny side up, and running
boards are two slices of crisp bacon."

"Oh, OK!" said the waitress. She thought about it for a moment and then spooned up a bowl of beans and gave it to
the customer.

The trucker asked, "What are the beans for?"

She replied, "I thought while you were waiting for the flat tires, headlights and running boards, you might as well gas
up!"

[hawkblade71470]

Isa got one.

A woman lived alone on the top floor of an apartment building. One morning, her telephone rang.
"Hello?" she said.
"This is the viper," a man said. "I'm coming up."
"Somebody is fooling around." she thought, and hung up.
A half-hour later, her phone rang again.
"It's the viper," he said "I be up soon."
The woman didn't know what to think, but she was getting scared.
Once more the telephone rang.
"I coming up now," he said.
She quickly called the police. They said that they'd be right over.
When the door bell rang, she thought it was the police. She sighed with relief. "They're here," she thought.
But when she opened the door. There stood a little man with a bucket and a cloth.
"I am the viper," he said. "I vish to vash and vipe the vindows."

Mr.green if u think it's funny.

[ccgr]

Irish Mirror

After living in the remote countryside of Ireland all his life, an old Irishman decided it was time to visit Dublin.
In one of the stores, he picks up a mirror and looks into it.
Not ever seen a mirror before, he remarked at the image staring back at him.
'How 'bout that! he exclaims, 'Here's a picture of my Fadder.
He bought the mirror thinking it was a picture of his dad, but on the way home he remembered his wife didn't like his father, so he hung it in the shed, and every morning before leaving to go fishing, he would go there and look at it.

His wife began to get suspicious of his many trips to the shed. So, one day after her husband left, she went to the shed and found the mirror.

As she looked into the glass, she fumed, 'So that's the ugly lass he's running around with.'

[ArcticFox]

One day, Mrs. O'Grady was walking down the street in Dublin when she runs into Father O'Malley.

"Oh Father, how are you doing?"
"Oh I'm just fine, Mrs. O'Grady. And how are you and your husband?"
"Well we're fine, Father... But the good Lord hasn't yet seen fit to bless us with children."
"Well I'm leaving soon on a long trip to Rome. While I'm there, I'll light a prayer candle for you and your husband that He might bless your house with lots of little wee ones."
"Oh, we'd be so grateful if you would, Father."

And with that, they part ways.

10 years later they encounter each other once again.

"Mrs. O'Grady! As I live and breathe, how have you been these last few years?"
"Oh just fine, Father... Mostly tired."
"Oh? Did the Lord bless you with children at last?"
"Oh yes, He certainly did. Your prayer candle worked indeed. Now we've got twelve little ankle biters running around the house."
"That's wonderful! I'm so glad for you! And your husband, is he well?"
"Oh yes... He's gone off to Rome."
"Rome? Whyever in the world has he gone off to Rome?"
"To blow out yer !$%# candle!"

[ArcticFox]

[ccgr]

that pretty much sums it up, good one!

[ArcticFox]

I met a fairy today. He said he would grant me one wish.
"I want to live forever", I said.

"Sorry", said the fairy. "I'm not allowed to grant wishes like that."
"Fine", I said, "Then I want to die as soon as Congress gets its head out of its backside."
"You crafty punk", said the fairy.

[harrelsonm]

A woman asked her husband for an anniversary gift that could go from 0-200 in no time flat. The next day she went out to the driveway and found a scale. The man has not been seen since.

[ccgr]

funny

[Orodrist]

Everyone around here is very familiar with manual labor.

...he is the president of Mexico, right?

[ArcticFox]

Wife texts husband on a cold winter's morning:
"Windows frozen."

Husband texts back:
"Pour some lukewarm water over it."

Wife texts back:
"Computer completely screwed up now."