An Engineer dies and goes to Hell. Dissatisfied with the level of comfort, he starts designing and building improvements. After a while, Hell has air conditioning, flush toilets and escalators. The engineer is a pretty popular guy.
One day God calls and asks Satan, "So, how's it going down there?" Satan says, "Hey things are going just great. We've got air conditioning and flush toilets and escalators, and there's no telling what this engineer is going to come up with next."
God is horrified. "What? You've got an engineer? That's a mistake - he should never have gone down there! You know all engineers go to Heaven. Send him up here!"
Satan says, "No way. I like having an engineer on the staff. I'm keeping him."
God says, "Send him back up here, or I'll sue."
"Yeah, right," Satan says rolling in laughter, "And where are you gonna get a lawyer?"
The Joke Thread
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ccgr
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TheBlueBulbear
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^Absolutely marvelous.
A boy is getting ready to take his girlfriend to a prom. First he needs to rent a tux, but there’s a long tux line at the shop and it takes a long time. Next, he has to buy her some flowers, so he goes over to the florist and there’s a huge flower line there as well. He waits forever but eventually gets the flowers. Then he heads out to rent a limo. Unfortunately, there’s a large limo line at the rental office, but he’s patient and gets the rental. Finally, the day of the prom comes. The two are dancing happily and she is having a great time. When the song is over, his girlfriend asks him to get her some punch, so he heads over to the punch table and there’s no punchline.
A boy is getting ready to take his girlfriend to a prom. First he needs to rent a tux, but there’s a long tux line at the shop and it takes a long time. Next, he has to buy her some flowers, so he goes over to the florist and there’s a huge flower line there as well. He waits forever but eventually gets the flowers. Then he heads out to rent a limo. Unfortunately, there’s a large limo line at the rental office, but he’s patient and gets the rental. Finally, the day of the prom comes. The two are dancing happily and she is having a great time. When the song is over, his girlfriend asks him to get her some punch, so he heads over to the punch table and there’s no punchline.
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ZappierVirus
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Creepers + Boom Slimes = Big Crater
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Minecrafting all the time!
I post too much.
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BlockHeadLewie
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Saw this online and HAD to share:
On the outskirts of town, there was a big old pecan tree by the cemetery fence. One day two boys filled up a bucketful of nuts and sat down by the tree, out of sight, and began dividing the nuts. "One for you, one for me. One for you, one for me," said one boy. Several were dropped and rolled down toward the fence.
Another boy came riding along the road on his bicycle. As he passed, he thought he heard voices from inside the cemetery. He slowed down to investigate. Sure enough, he heard, "One for you, one for me. One for you, one for me." He just knew what it was. "Oh my," he shuddered, "it's Satan and St. Peter dividing the souls at the cemetery. He jumped back on his bike and rode off. Just around the bend he met an old man with a cane, hobbling along. "Come here quick," said the boy, "you won't believe what I heard. Satan and St. Peter are down at the cemetery dividing up the souls." The man said, "Beat it, kid, can't you see it's hard for me to walk." When the boy insisted, though, the man hobbled to the cemetery.
Standing by the fence they heard, "One for you, one for me. One for you, one for me..." The old man whispered, "Boy, you've been tellin' the truth. Let's see if we can see the devil himself." Shaking with fear, they peered through the fence, yet were still unable to see anything. The old man and the boy gripped the wrought iron bars of the fence tighter and tighter as they tried to get a glimpse of Satan. At last they heard, "One for you, one for me. And one last one for you. That's all. Now let's go get those nuts by the fence, and we'll be done."
On the outskirts of town, there was a big old pecan tree by the cemetery fence. One day two boys filled up a bucketful of nuts and sat down by the tree, out of sight, and began dividing the nuts. "One for you, one for me. One for you, one for me," said one boy. Several were dropped and rolled down toward the fence.
Another boy came riding along the road on his bicycle. As he passed, he thought he heard voices from inside the cemetery. He slowed down to investigate. Sure enough, he heard, "One for you, one for me. One for you, one for me." He just knew what it was. "Oh my," he shuddered, "it's Satan and St. Peter dividing the souls at the cemetery. He jumped back on his bike and rode off. Just around the bend he met an old man with a cane, hobbling along. "Come here quick," said the boy, "you won't believe what I heard. Satan and St. Peter are down at the cemetery dividing up the souls." The man said, "Beat it, kid, can't you see it's hard for me to walk." When the boy insisted, though, the man hobbled to the cemetery.
Standing by the fence they heard, "One for you, one for me. One for you, one for me..." The old man whispered, "Boy, you've been tellin' the truth. Let's see if we can see the devil himself." Shaking with fear, they peered through the fence, yet were still unable to see anything. The old man and the boy gripped the wrought iron bars of the fence tighter and tighter as they tried to get a glimpse of Satan. At last they heard, "One for you, one for me. And one last one for you. That's all. Now let's go get those nuts by the fence, and we'll be done."
If God is my Pilot and fully in control of the flight, I guess that makes me a Steward on the plane. How may I serve you?
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ZappierVirus
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Lots of funny jokes recently.
Lots of funny jokes recently.
Creepers + Boom Slimes = Big Crater
Minecrafting all the time!
I post too much.
Minecrafting all the time!
I post too much.
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Faithbits
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What do you call a fish with no eyes?
...FSHHH!
...FSHHH!
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TheBlueBulbear
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Why did the Romans think Algebra was pretty easy?
Because X was always equal to 10.
Because X was always equal to 10.
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ZappierVirus
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BlockHeadLewie
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I must be part Roman then.TheBlueBulbear wrote:Why did the Romans think Algebra was pretty easy?
Because X was always equal to 10.
See here in Florida is a grocery chain called Publix. Very popular, not too shabby.
I've always considered boycotting it for it's name alone. I don't drink.
I don't feel the need to enter a place which could have all this time be mispronounced and is in fact "Pub 59"!
If God is my Pilot and fully in control of the flight, I guess that makes me a Steward on the plane. How may I serve you?
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ZappierVirus
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Creepers + Boom Slimes = Big Crater
Minecrafting all the time!
I post too much.
Minecrafting all the time!
I post too much.
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Sstavix
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All right, here's another Sstavix original....
A woman meets a guy in a bar, and they hit it off pretty well. It leads to a first date, which leads to a second, and then a third. They seem to really like each other.
But then they decide to go to the beach. When they meet there, she looks down and is shocked to see that he's missing all the digits on his left foot! He admits that, when he was a kid, there was a horrific accident in which he had saved his little sister, but at the cost of a mutilated foot. He had learned to adapt, though, and his damaged left foot didn't slow him down at all.
But that didn't matter to her. She had to break off their relationship. You see, she was lack toes intolerant.
A woman meets a guy in a bar, and they hit it off pretty well. It leads to a first date, which leads to a second, and then a third. They seem to really like each other.
But then they decide to go to the beach. When they meet there, she looks down and is shocked to see that he's missing all the digits on his left foot! He admits that, when he was a kid, there was a horrific accident in which he had saved his little sister, but at the cost of a mutilated foot. He had learned to adapt, though, and his damaged left foot didn't slow him down at all.
But that didn't matter to her. She had to break off their relationship. You see, she was lack toes intolerant.
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ccgr
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Caleb0109
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Here are a few jokes:
1. What's a tree's favorite drink?
2. What is a bow that can't be tied?
3. What has a foot, a head, and 4 legs?
1. What's a tree's favorite drink?
Spoiler:
Spoiler:
Spoiler:
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Confused_Taco
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What do you call a cow with two legs?
Answer: Lean Beef
Answer: Lean Beef
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ipconfig433
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Three sons left home, went out on their own and prospered. They discussed the gifts they were able to give their elderly mother. The first said: "I built a big house for our mother."
The second said: "I sent her a Mercedes with a driver."
The third said: "You remember how our mother enjoys reading the Bible. Now she can't see very well. So I sent her a remarkable parrot that recites the entire Bible. It took elders in the church 12 years to teach him. Mama just has to name the chapter and verse and the parrot recites it."
Soon thereafter, their mother sent out her letters of thanks.
"Milton," she said, "the house you built is so huge. I live only in one room, but I have to clean the whole house.
"Gerald," she said, "I am too old to travel. I stay most of the time at home so I rarely use the Mercedes. And that driver is so rude! He's a pain!"
"But Donald," she said, "the little chicken you sent was delicious!"
The second said: "I sent her a Mercedes with a driver."
The third said: "You remember how our mother enjoys reading the Bible. Now she can't see very well. So I sent her a remarkable parrot that recites the entire Bible. It took elders in the church 12 years to teach him. Mama just has to name the chapter and verse and the parrot recites it."
Soon thereafter, their mother sent out her letters of thanks.
"Milton," she said, "the house you built is so huge. I live only in one room, but I have to clean the whole house.
"Gerald," she said, "I am too old to travel. I stay most of the time at home so I rarely use the Mercedes. And that driver is so rude! He's a pain!"
"But Donald," she said, "the little chicken you sent was delicious!"