It's been 2 years

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ArcticFox
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2 years ago I posted on here that I'd lost my brother.

I kinda thought I'd gotten past it and moved on, but I haven't. I've felt soul sick all day today and have been cycling between sadness and rage all afternoon. Right now I want to smash something. I want to be recklessly violent and hope that it gets this out of my system. I want to go up to New York, find the wretch I once knew as the younger of my two brothers, and beat him savagely for being so worthless and self destructive and yet outliving the brother I cared about and who cared about life.

I want to throw my Dungeons & Dragons books away because they remind me of the guy who first introduced me to the game and I'd rather be numb right now.

At the same time I'd give anything to have his collection of D&D books so it would feel like I was just holding them for him for later. Family members have promised if they ever turn up they'll make sure I get them. I both anticipate and dread that day.

It's been two years and I still don't know how to deal with it. I thought I did, but I don't. He would have turned 52 yesterday. Who dies at the age of 50?!?!?!? In a freaking hospital! We used to go ghost hunting together! Why hasn't he come to say hello...

Days like this I wish I drank. Heavily. Better to be numb.

I wish I had a private office at work. Right now everybody's elsewhere and that's good because I don't want anyone to see me like this. It isn't good to see the supervisor crying. Maybe I better go home early before anyone else gets back.

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"He who takes offense when no offense is intended is a fool, and he who takes offense when offense is intended is a greater fool."
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ccgr
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Two years...time flies...sorry for your loss :( I'm sure he's proud and smiling down at you.
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ArchAngel
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I haven't lost someone has close as a brother, but it doesn't strike me as something that ever really goes away. He clearly is very important to you, and left a huge hole. That, I imagine, will always be there. But, from looks of it over here, he left you with a lot more. From a love of D&D to a million other things, it sounds like he left a piece of himself with you. In all the ways he influenced you, those very integral parts of you are also him. I don't know if that's comforting or reassuring, but I get the sense you are a better man for having known him, and we are all at a loss for having not. After that, all I can offer is my utmost sympathies.
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ArcticFox
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Thanks very much guys.

I think writing that out helped. I did leave work after posting it and by the time I got home I was doing much better. I think these things just sometimes come back out of the blue and hit. All one can do is ride it out.

My older sister passed just under 6 months later... and it impacted me much less. She and I always got along fine but we were never close. My brother and I were much closer and even though we rarely lived together, it was always comforting to know he was out there somewhere. He's the guy who used to defend me when bullies in the neighborhood got aggressive. I always looked up to him and respected him. There were things about him I didn't like of course, but that never got in the way of things.
"He who takes offense when no offense is intended is a fool, and he who takes offense when offense is intended is a greater fool."
—Brigham Young

"Don't take refuge in the false security of consensus."
—Christopher Hitchens
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brandon1984
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Sorry for your loss
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fathom123
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I'm praying for you bro. Don't feel you need to rush healing either. 2 years sounds like a long time but a wound like that it may be a step in a journey that brings you closure and peace.

I pray that the Lord give you peace and heals your pains. I pray that His comfort will wash over you and that you will be able to experience this date in another year with peace or even joy.

You're awesome brother.
Jeremiah 20:9-But if I say, "I will not mention him or speak any more in his name," his word is in my heart like a fire, a fire shut up in my bones. I am weary of holding it in; indeed, I cannot.
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Chozon1
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Praying for you Arctic.
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