The Joke Thread

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SpeakLIfe2000
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Re: The Joke Thread

Postby SpeakLIfe2000 » Sun May 24, 2015 7:29 pm

So there were 26 sheep 26 sheep got sick...How many sheep are there left?............twenty sick sheep.... lol.

JozanBrinter
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Re: The Joke Thread

Postby JozanBrinter » Mon May 25, 2015 7:46 pm

Q: What's easy to get into but hard to get out of?
A: Trouble

Q: Did you hear about the guy who died when an axe fell on him?
A: The police are calling it an axe-i-dent.

Q: Why did the dinosaur cross the road?
A: Because the chicken joke wasn't invented yet.

Q: What kind of lights did Noah use on the Ark?
A: Flood lights!

Q: Did you hear about the monster with five legs?
A: His trousers fit him like a glove.

Q: Why don't you see giraffes in elementary school?
A: Because they're all in High School!

Q: Which is the longest word in the dictionary?
A: "Smiles", because there is a mile between each "s"!

Q: What happened to the wooden car with wooden wheels and wooden engine?
A: it wooden go!

Q: Which month do soldiers hate most?
A: The month of March!

Q: What did the painter say to the wall?
A: One more crack like that and I'll plaster you!

charleythebear
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Re: The Joke Thread

Postby charleythebear » Thu May 28, 2015 6:15 am

this is an old one that many of you have probably heard but ill say it anyway

i predict in the future, Youtube, Twitter and facebook will merge to create one super time-wasting site called YouTwitFace
:lol:

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ccgr
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Re: The Joke Thread

Postby ccgr » Sun May 31, 2015 8:35 pm

Two police officers responding to a domestic disturbance with shots fired arrive on scene.

After discovering that Helen had shot her husband for walking across her freshly mopped floor,

they call their sergeant on his cell phone.

"Hello Sarge"

"Yes"

"It looks like we have a homicide here.

"What happened?"

"A woman has shot her husband for stepping on the floor she had just mopped."

"Have you placed her under arrest?"

No sir. The floor is still wet.

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ArcticFox
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Re: The Joke Thread

Postby ArcticFox » Mon Jun 01, 2015 10:21 am

Haha I liked that one.
"He who takes offense when no offense is intended is a fool, and he who takes offense when offense is intended is a greater fool."
—Brigham Young

"Don't take refuge in the false security of consensus."
—Christopher Hitchens

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Camui
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Re: The Joke Thread

Postby Camui » Thu Jun 11, 2015 8:44 pm

Tom and Joe met one day at a restaurant. After a while, they got to talking about different ailments that they had.
Tom said, "I have really bad short term memory."
"That must be horrible!" Joe replied.
"What's horrible?" said Tom in confusion.

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Re: The Joke Thread

Postby LittleWallaby » Mon Jun 15, 2015 5:51 pm

A burglar broke into a house one night. He shined his flashlight around, looking for valuables, and when he picked up a CD player to place in his pack, a strange, disembodied voice echoed from the dark saying, "Jesus is watching you."

He nearly jumped out of his skin, clicked his flashlight out, and froze. When he heard nothing more after a bit, he shook his head, promised himself a vacation after the next big score, then clicked the light on and began searching for more valuables. Just as he pulled the stereo out so he could disconnect the wires, clear as a bell he heard,

"Jesus is watching you." Freaked out, he shone his light around frantically, looking for the source of the voice. Finally, in the corner of the room, his flashlight beam came to rest on a parrot. "Did you say that?", he hissed at the parrot.

"Yep," the parrot confessed, then squawked, "I'm just trying to warn you."

The burglar relaxed. "Warn me, huh? Who in the world are you?"

"Moses," replied the bird.

"Moses?" the burglar laughed. "What kind of people would name a birdMoses?"

"The kind of people that would name a Rottweiller Jesus."

Gublin2
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Re: The Joke Thread

Postby Gublin2 » Wed Jun 24, 2015 11:43 pm

In contrast to the extremely long joke above i will post an extremely short joke.

Knock, knock.

Who's there?

Superman in a tree.

END.

Techgeek17
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Re: The Joke Thread

Postby Techgeek17 » Sat Jul 11, 2015 2:56 pm

Why was the Chef fired?




Cause he was mean, he Beat the eggs & Whipped the cream!

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Mazzmazz3987
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Re: What was the last thing you did?

Postby Mazzmazz3987 » Sun Jul 12, 2015 3:21 pm

What is black,white and read ?


A news paper lol

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Re: The Joke Thread

Postby jack_zifer » Sun Jul 12, 2015 8:07 pm

What starts with a "T", ends in a "T", and is filled with "T"?


a Teapot!



why does your nose have a bridge?


so the eyes can cross!



How do you keep a man in suspense?


Man: how?

Man: how? come on, I want to know!


Man: oh......

Girl: ......quiet........

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Re: The Joke Thread

Postby PenguinT » Mon Jul 20, 2015 12:02 am

"Why did the chicken cross the road?"
"To get to the other side"

Careful with this joke, it's an antique.

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Re: The Joke Thread

Postby Deepfreeze32 » Tue Jul 28, 2015 12:40 pm

What is Captain Picard's favorite type of toy train?


N-Gauge.

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isansi
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Re: The Joke Thread

Postby isansi » Wed Jul 29, 2015 1:20 pm

There is this fly. He is a really smart fly, and one day he was in someone's car reading the newspaper when he saw an ad for law school. After going to law school, he tried to become a lawyer. The first time, he was rejected. The second time as well. He kept trying until he finally became a lawyer. After 2 cases, he decided he was bored. Then he decided to run for president. The first two times he was rejected and then he finally became president, and after 5 hours he was bored. Later that day he was invited to a party. After partying for a couple of hours, he decided he was thirsty. He goes to get some soda, and there is a really long line. Then he goes to look for some tea. And again, there was a really long line. Then he decided to go get some punch. There is no PUNCH LINE

LordTitan
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Re: The Joke Thread

Postby LordTitan » Wed Aug 12, 2015 10:52 am

Why did the Chicken cross the road? To get to the other side! lolololol


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