In a time of fasting and prayer...
Posted: Sat Jan 17, 2015 1:07 pm
[March 20th, 2015]
Seeing as I've had a couple post's worth of activity, I'll also leave an update on how the fast is going along.
I think this should sum up how the last week has gone: *faceplant*
A fast of this nature is both embarrassingly difficult to adhere to and humbling me to the floor.
My usual distractions (watching other people's videos, browsing what people post on twitter and tumblr, etc) I can't run to them now when I'm bored, and I am confronted with: the nature of who I'm associating with in my usual circles, my own rebellious nature, things I'm practically hitting my head against trying to overcome... and how God's right there, sitting nearby, smiling like a dad watching his little girl attempt to take her first few steps (and falling to the floor again and again) ... and I'm only a week in. I cannot fathom what waits for me in the next two weeks.
I'm being forced to listen to the people physically around me now, being constantly reminded of my current state (and lack of doing anything physically productive)... and I realize (painfully, I must add) that I need to rectify that. I still haven't gotten the luck (or the courage) to look for work (and where could a dropout like me find work? ... and I don't like using phones... I think there's some lingering PTSD from my days as a customer care rep there...)
I miss being able to socialize (Skype and tumblr were how I was keeping connected, and games like SMP Minecraft and WoW were how I got my arbitrary fix of buddy-borne shenanigans... but I realize the majority of my connections are ... dubious at best, and toxic at worst, and to my grief, they aren't aware how twisted they are.) I wish I had other believers I could physically contact in my area without shame, who aren't part of the small groups my parents run, and share the same geeky things I love to spend my time on. ... at the least this one forum is a welcome exception during this fast. Being around and communicating with other believers with similar interests is something I dearly want and need in this time.
I've still got a long way to go, but your prayers are having more effect on this time of sacrifice than you know, folks. Stuff's getting done, blessings are coming in, things are getting revealed, and there is a peace that wasn't in this house before. I pray it stays even beyond this time of reflection... Thank you, Lord, for the support You've sent our way, and blessings to all of you who are praying in agreement through this season.
He Alone Is Greater,
~Lioness
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[March 9th, 2015]
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[February 3rd, 2015]
.....................
[Update: February 2nd, 2015]
-----------------
[Update: Jaunary 29th, 2015]
----------------------------------------------------
[Originally posted January 17th, 2015]
It must be nearly two years since I was last active here.
From my perspective, I don't consider my life to be exciting. Boiled down, it's mostly sitting in front of a monitor whiling the week's hours away with only church, a meeting or two, and maybe an errand of necessity to break up the week's routine. Safe to say that there are very few things of note to extrapolate on ... but that doesn't mean things are all honky-dory.
Good lord, where do I start?
Well, it's thankfully a quiet life. Roof over my head. Warm bed to sleep in. Food to eat. Internet to use. Time to write and ponder (mostly) undisturbed. It's simple. I really couldn't ask for more, frankly. I just wish I could enjoy it.
...
... bottom line is that I'm living with a Sword of Damocles hanging over my head.
I live with family right now, and we've fallen on hard times in the past couple years, hard times that just got harder in the span of the last four months. Our house's main breadwinner's set-aside emergency resources dried up at the end of December, and that means that our rent money's sketchy if not already non-existent at this time. If we don't find something to replace that lost income soon... well, shouldn't be too hard to guess what'll happen then.
Can't help but believe I'm partly responsible for the situation we're in right now. I've been out of any real work for nearly 8 years now, and I still keep making terrible mistakes that set back my clan despite my concerted and genuine efforts not to screw things up. Plus, I should be out looking for work instead of wasting my time editing YouTube videos I might never post and writing novels that may never see print. I keep asking the Father why I'm so hesitant to return to the workforce, as I'm confident I have no excuse to balk, but... Instead of 'Go, I got this', I just keep getting silence outside of "I will sustain you."
And the Sword of Damocles swings more precariously every day I let pass in indecision and procrastination.
I'm looking at a doctor's bill that's gone into collections because the money I had scrabbled together to pay it had to be pitched into paying rent. The house's check-balance-keeper berated me about it, especially not having the forethought of actually calling up the clinic and setting up a payment plan; she fears we might wind up in court.
It doesn't help that another dear friend of the family has wound up in the hospital due to a stroke by December's end. We've already suffered a friend dying to the same earlier in 2014 and another seemingly permanently disabled by the end of September 2013. Time that we could have poured into preparing for the end of 2014, my clan sacrificed to minister to the families affected, as is our charge as my parents are technically pastors.
And I'm just sitting here. Dead weight, waiting for the sword to break its tenuous tether and fall.
Our house has adopted a period of fasting and prayer, specifically for provision for this uncertain time... of which I am participating until the 31st of this month. With this post, I can only hope that I can muster up a few more hearts to support us in agreement.
Pray for my adopted aunt and dear friend; I ask for not only a speedy recovery but a miraculous restoration, as she was a healer and gifted with her hands. [And if you've run a raid in an MMO, you'd know how painful it is when a healer goes down.] Remember the same plea for our other dear friend, too, as she's 15 months recovering after her aneurism; she too was a healer and served as one of our spiritual 'raid leaders' before she was struck.
Pray for a stable income for my house, siblings in Christ. Pray for security for this household, that the heads of this household can finally breathe easy knowing exactly where the resources we need to keep our lives afloat will come from.
Pray for those who come into contact with me who have chosen to remain apart from Christ and have chosen to remain my friends. I've attracted colorful kinds from atheists to homosexuals, all of them brilliant in the mind, proud in the heart, and some level of angry or disappointed with the world. I cannot deny that my heart breaks for them (especially when they discuss things in perspectives and lights I don't quite agree with,) though I do try to guard myself and keep my distance... but I cannot be completely closed off as I've known some of these people for almost over a decade now, and I'm convinced that it's no coincidence that folks of particular dispositions keep crossing my path despite the number of bridges I deliberately (and respectfully) burn.
And remember me. Worse than a coward. Lacking confidence, wishy-washy with her own opinions and so easily swayed, resigned to only do as she's told (with the rare moment of silent, rebellious passive inaction or deliberate cutting of corners). Pray that I might finally find confidence and courage... that I may one day live up to my chosen internet handle and truly be a lioness.
Thanks for wading through this depressing wall of text, brothers and sisters, and keeping these requests in your thoughts. Blessings to all of you.
Stay Awesome.
~Lioness
Seeing as I've had a couple post's worth of activity, I'll also leave an update on how the fast is going along.
I think this should sum up how the last week has gone: *faceplant*
A fast of this nature is both embarrassingly difficult to adhere to and humbling me to the floor.
My usual distractions (watching other people's videos, browsing what people post on twitter and tumblr, etc) I can't run to them now when I'm bored, and I am confronted with: the nature of who I'm associating with in my usual circles, my own rebellious nature, things I'm practically hitting my head against trying to overcome... and how God's right there, sitting nearby, smiling like a dad watching his little girl attempt to take her first few steps (and falling to the floor again and again) ... and I'm only a week in. I cannot fathom what waits for me in the next two weeks.
I'm being forced to listen to the people physically around me now, being constantly reminded of my current state (and lack of doing anything physically productive)... and I realize (painfully, I must add) that I need to rectify that. I still haven't gotten the luck (or the courage) to look for work (and where could a dropout like me find work? ... and I don't like using phones... I think there's some lingering PTSD from my days as a customer care rep there...)
I miss being able to socialize (Skype and tumblr were how I was keeping connected, and games like SMP Minecraft and WoW were how I got my arbitrary fix of buddy-borne shenanigans... but I realize the majority of my connections are ... dubious at best, and toxic at worst, and to my grief, they aren't aware how twisted they are.) I wish I had other believers I could physically contact in my area without shame, who aren't part of the small groups my parents run, and share the same geeky things I love to spend my time on. ... at the least this one forum is a welcome exception during this fast. Being around and communicating with other believers with similar interests is something I dearly want and need in this time.
I've still got a long way to go, but your prayers are having more effect on this time of sacrifice than you know, folks. Stuff's getting done, blessings are coming in, things are getting revealed, and there is a peace that wasn't in this house before. I pray it stays even beyond this time of reflection... Thank you, Lord, for the support You've sent our way, and blessings to all of you who are praying in agreement through this season.
He Alone Is Greater,
~Lioness
-----------------------------------------------------------------
[March 9th, 2015]
Spoiler:
[February 3rd, 2015]
Spoiler:
[Update: February 2nd, 2015]
Spoiler:
[Update: Jaunary 29th, 2015]
Spoiler:
[Originally posted January 17th, 2015]
It must be nearly two years since I was last active here.
From my perspective, I don't consider my life to be exciting. Boiled down, it's mostly sitting in front of a monitor whiling the week's hours away with only church, a meeting or two, and maybe an errand of necessity to break up the week's routine. Safe to say that there are very few things of note to extrapolate on ... but that doesn't mean things are all honky-dory.
Good lord, where do I start?
Well, it's thankfully a quiet life. Roof over my head. Warm bed to sleep in. Food to eat. Internet to use. Time to write and ponder (mostly) undisturbed. It's simple. I really couldn't ask for more, frankly. I just wish I could enjoy it.
...
... bottom line is that I'm living with a Sword of Damocles hanging over my head.
I live with family right now, and we've fallen on hard times in the past couple years, hard times that just got harder in the span of the last four months. Our house's main breadwinner's set-aside emergency resources dried up at the end of December, and that means that our rent money's sketchy if not already non-existent at this time. If we don't find something to replace that lost income soon... well, shouldn't be too hard to guess what'll happen then.
Can't help but believe I'm partly responsible for the situation we're in right now. I've been out of any real work for nearly 8 years now, and I still keep making terrible mistakes that set back my clan despite my concerted and genuine efforts not to screw things up. Plus, I should be out looking for work instead of wasting my time editing YouTube videos I might never post and writing novels that may never see print. I keep asking the Father why I'm so hesitant to return to the workforce, as I'm confident I have no excuse to balk, but... Instead of 'Go, I got this', I just keep getting silence outside of "I will sustain you."
And the Sword of Damocles swings more precariously every day I let pass in indecision and procrastination.
I'm looking at a doctor's bill that's gone into collections because the money I had scrabbled together to pay it had to be pitched into paying rent. The house's check-balance-keeper berated me about it, especially not having the forethought of actually calling up the clinic and setting up a payment plan; she fears we might wind up in court.
It doesn't help that another dear friend of the family has wound up in the hospital due to a stroke by December's end. We've already suffered a friend dying to the same earlier in 2014 and another seemingly permanently disabled by the end of September 2013. Time that we could have poured into preparing for the end of 2014, my clan sacrificed to minister to the families affected, as is our charge as my parents are technically pastors.
And I'm just sitting here. Dead weight, waiting for the sword to break its tenuous tether and fall.
Our house has adopted a period of fasting and prayer, specifically for provision for this uncertain time... of which I am participating until the 31st of this month. With this post, I can only hope that I can muster up a few more hearts to support us in agreement.
Pray for my adopted aunt and dear friend; I ask for not only a speedy recovery but a miraculous restoration, as she was a healer and gifted with her hands. [And if you've run a raid in an MMO, you'd know how painful it is when a healer goes down.] Remember the same plea for our other dear friend, too, as she's 15 months recovering after her aneurism; she too was a healer and served as one of our spiritual 'raid leaders' before she was struck.
Pray for a stable income for my house, siblings in Christ. Pray for security for this household, that the heads of this household can finally breathe easy knowing exactly where the resources we need to keep our lives afloat will come from.
Pray for those who come into contact with me who have chosen to remain apart from Christ and have chosen to remain my friends. I've attracted colorful kinds from atheists to homosexuals, all of them brilliant in the mind, proud in the heart, and some level of angry or disappointed with the world. I cannot deny that my heart breaks for them (especially when they discuss things in perspectives and lights I don't quite agree with,) though I do try to guard myself and keep my distance... but I cannot be completely closed off as I've known some of these people for almost over a decade now, and I'm convinced that it's no coincidence that folks of particular dispositions keep crossing my path despite the number of bridges I deliberately (and respectfully) burn.
And remember me. Worse than a coward. Lacking confidence, wishy-washy with her own opinions and so easily swayed, resigned to only do as she's told (with the rare moment of silent, rebellious passive inaction or deliberate cutting of corners). Pray that I might finally find confidence and courage... that I may one day live up to my chosen internet handle and truly be a lioness.
Thanks for wading through this depressing wall of text, brothers and sisters, and keeping these requests in your thoughts. Blessings to all of you.
Stay Awesome.
~Lioness