Confession time!
Posted: Sat Mar 29, 2014 7:23 am
It's been a really hard couple months for me. Within the last few months, I've endured the most taxing semester thus far, I helped find a dead student and had to watch the family get the news, I've watched my parents and my sister relentlessly battle each other to the point of causing my mom to become depressed, I lost a semi-friend from church to cancer, one of my two dogs and one of my two cats died (both somewhat unexpectedly), nursed one of my close college friends through the unmaking of his family through a dramatic divorce of his parents...
Yeah. Now, honestly, 90% of the time, I'm fine. I'm not depressed, certainly, and I know genuinely depressed people whose lives are waaaayyy more affected than mine. It's just the other 10% of the time that...I'm not fine
My family, friends, and girlfriend have all been very good to me, and they are the light of my life, but every so often (anywhere from more than once a day to once or twice a week) I am just struck with this profound sadness. Sometimes it's loneliness, sometimes it's sadness, sometimes it's self-doubt, sometimes I remember everything that has happened this year all at once, right at the same time that I re-realize everything I have yet to do and I feel like collapsing. At one point, I was alone in my room, talking to my girlfriend on the phone happily and giddily. Suddenly, my stress came back to me all at once and threw me into an anxiety attack.
I've always struggled with self-esteem and self-doubt, so this stuff probably all feeds into that.
The thing that hit me hardest was seeing that friend (let's call her Anne) slowly die of cancer. She and her husband worked at the local hospital, and seeing as my family seems to be accident prone... We all became acquainted I saw and talked to them all the time in church. She had long ago defeated breast cancer, but had suffered a recent relapse and had AGAIN defeated it a year and a half ago. Her husband is the nicest guy in the whole church, and he was so convinced that God had totally healed her. His faith was so strong.
Within the last three months, the cancer came back a third time. This time, it won. I guess I shouldn't have been surprised, but it was so inspiring to see this woman defeat dthis disease time after time, and praise God with her husband that healing had come... and in the blink of an eye, she was gone. It just seemed like I could look to them as an example, you know? I had my troubles, but THEY had really been through the ringer. They were strong, and they were inspiring... especially since I had struggled with my own faith recently. I was at work when my coworker (a close friend) got a call from his mom. Anne had died that morning. I made the usual "oh, that's too bad" comments, and excused myself to the bathroom so I could slip into a stall and cry my eyes out as silently as possible.
SO ANYWAY YEAH. I haven't really talked to anyone about this, but it feels good to have typed it up. Like I said, 90% of the time I feel fine. It's that 10% during which my heart feels wrecked that really sucks. Sorry if some of this was poorly strung together... It's late, I'm tired, and I'm typing on an iTouch.
Yeah. Now, honestly, 90% of the time, I'm fine. I'm not depressed, certainly, and I know genuinely depressed people whose lives are waaaayyy more affected than mine. It's just the other 10% of the time that...I'm not fine
My family, friends, and girlfriend have all been very good to me, and they are the light of my life, but every so often (anywhere from more than once a day to once or twice a week) I am just struck with this profound sadness. Sometimes it's loneliness, sometimes it's sadness, sometimes it's self-doubt, sometimes I remember everything that has happened this year all at once, right at the same time that I re-realize everything I have yet to do and I feel like collapsing. At one point, I was alone in my room, talking to my girlfriend on the phone happily and giddily. Suddenly, my stress came back to me all at once and threw me into an anxiety attack.
I've always struggled with self-esteem and self-doubt, so this stuff probably all feeds into that.
The thing that hit me hardest was seeing that friend (let's call her Anne) slowly die of cancer. She and her husband worked at the local hospital, and seeing as my family seems to be accident prone... We all became acquainted
I saw and talked to them all the time in church. She had long ago defeated breast cancer, but had suffered a recent relapse and had AGAIN defeated it a year and a half ago. Her husband is the nicest guy in the whole church, and he was so convinced that God had totally healed her. His faith was so strong. Within the last three months, the cancer came back a third time. This time, it won. I guess I shouldn't have been surprised, but it was so inspiring to see this woman defeat dthis disease time after time, and praise God with her husband that healing had come... and in the blink of an eye, she was gone. It just seemed like I could look to them as an example, you know? I had my troubles, but THEY had really been through the ringer. They were strong, and they were inspiring... especially since I had struggled with my own faith recently. I was at work when my coworker (a close friend) got a call from his mom. Anne had died that morning. I made the usual "oh, that's too bad" comments, and excused myself to the bathroom so I could slip into a stall and cry my eyes out as silently as possible.
SO ANYWAY YEAH. I haven't really talked to anyone about this, but it feels good to have typed it up. Like I said, 90% of the time I feel fine. It's that 10% during which my heart feels wrecked that really sucks.
Sorry if some of this was poorly strung together... It's late, I'm tired, and I'm typing on an iTouch.
Things have calmed down and I just finished my last exam of my undergrad career. One month off to relax, refresh, and--well, review Anatomy before PT school starts XD