Why Daylight Savings May Have Made a Terrible Bathroom Tale
Posted: Sun Mar 09, 2014 6:10 pm
Get comfy.
This morning, as on every Sunday morning, I went to the gym with a couple of my buddies. We do this because we're getting old, getting fat, and getting lazy. And so our weekly ritual is to gather at my apartment, get into somebody's car and talk Warhammer as we wake ourselves up to hit the gym.
As I'm taking my spirited walk on the treadmill I start to feel the rumbly in my tumbly that let me know that my could days of being blocked up are about to come to an end. I feel a surge of joy, and decide that even though I'm only 9 minutes into a 20 minute walk, I have time to finish with the treadmill before heading off to the restroom to take care of business.
It was apparently a popular idea. Of the 3 stalls in the men's room, one was already occupied and there were a couple of guys not far behind me, with apparently the same Idea. Quickly I grabbed a couple paper towels and wetted them. I chose the stall on the end of the row, quickly shut the door behind me, and then turned to survey the scene.
(Too much detail, perhaps, but bear with me. These details matter.)
The carnage.
Grown men... did this...
The floor was strewn with torn shreds of toilet paper. It reminded me of a rat's nest. The toilet paper dispenser itself was empty. It was completely empty. The water in the toilet itself was clean, because these are auto-flushing toilets, but the seat looked as if the last person to use the stall stood up to take a squirt and made sure to get every. single. drop on the seat.
I decided to do what any intelligent person would do, and pull the eject lever and get to another stall. Sadly, it was already too late. The one remaining empty stall received a new occupant at that very moment, just as I heard a tap on the door to mine. I was trapped. Trapped in a rat's nest of urine and shredded TP. All I had in the world for personal hygeine was a pair of wet paper towels and Mother Nature was screaming. I had to make a decision. Now. Tom Hanks was in the back of my mind shouting "Houston, we have a problem..."
So quickly I tore one of my paper towels in two and used it to clean the seat as best I could. I had to work fast, and man was this disgusting. Normally I don't bother with seat covers but this time, I decided an exception was in order. I turned to the seat cover dispenser, pulled the tab, and...
...I didn't get a seat cover.
I was standing there, holding in my hand, a dirty diaper. I had literally just pulled a dirty diaper from a seat cover dispenser. (And no, there were no seat covers in there.)
I was out of time, out of options, and my dignity took an extended brunch break and all I could do was give that set another quick once over...
There is nothing quite so awkward as sitting in a bathroom stall, listening to a guy a couple stalls away grunting his way through the task, and trying to tear some wet paper towels to make them... usable... in this situation. This wasn't the lowest point in my life but... it was close. Oh, so close.
I eventually realized that the stall next to me had become empty, and I saw toilet paper hanging low enough under the stall wall that I could grab some and use it. That was the one, shining light.
And now for the punchline:
10 minutes after I left the bathroom, the cleaning staff arrived, apparently late because of being thrown of by Daylight Savings. To the custodian who found a horrible stall but strangely clean seat: You're welcome.
This morning, as on every Sunday morning, I went to the gym with a couple of my buddies. We do this because we're getting old, getting fat, and getting lazy. And so our weekly ritual is to gather at my apartment, get into somebody's car and talk Warhammer as we wake ourselves up to hit the gym.
As I'm taking my spirited walk on the treadmill I start to feel the rumbly in my tumbly that let me know that my could days of being blocked up are about to come to an end. I feel a surge of joy, and decide that even though I'm only 9 minutes into a 20 minute walk, I have time to finish with the treadmill before heading off to the restroom to take care of business.
It was apparently a popular idea. Of the 3 stalls in the men's room, one was already occupied and there were a couple of guys not far behind me, with apparently the same Idea. Quickly I grabbed a couple paper towels and wetted them. I chose the stall on the end of the row, quickly shut the door behind me, and then turned to survey the scene.
(Too much detail, perhaps, but bear with me. These details matter.)
The carnage.
Grown men... did this...
The floor was strewn with torn shreds of toilet paper. It reminded me of a rat's nest. The toilet paper dispenser itself was empty. It was completely empty. The water in the toilet itself was clean, because these are auto-flushing toilets, but the seat looked as if the last person to use the stall stood up to take a squirt and made sure to get every. single. drop on the seat.
I decided to do what any intelligent person would do, and pull the eject lever and get to another stall. Sadly, it was already too late. The one remaining empty stall received a new occupant at that very moment, just as I heard a tap on the door to mine. I was trapped. Trapped in a rat's nest of urine and shredded TP. All I had in the world for personal hygeine was a pair of wet paper towels and Mother Nature was screaming. I had to make a decision. Now. Tom Hanks was in the back of my mind shouting "Houston, we have a problem..."
So quickly I tore one of my paper towels in two and used it to clean the seat as best I could. I had to work fast, and man was this disgusting. Normally I don't bother with seat covers but this time, I decided an exception was in order. I turned to the seat cover dispenser, pulled the tab, and...
...I didn't get a seat cover.
I was standing there, holding in my hand, a dirty diaper. I had literally just pulled a dirty diaper from a seat cover dispenser. (And no, there were no seat covers in there.)
I was out of time, out of options, and my dignity took an extended brunch break and all I could do was give that set another quick once over...
There is nothing quite so awkward as sitting in a bathroom stall, listening to a guy a couple stalls away grunting his way through the task, and trying to tear some wet paper towels to make them... usable... in this situation. This wasn't the lowest point in my life but... it was close. Oh, so close.
I eventually realized that the stall next to me had become empty, and I saw toilet paper hanging low enough under the stall wall that I could grab some and use it. That was the one, shining light.
And now for the punchline:
10 minutes after I left the bathroom, the cleaning staff arrived, apparently late because of being thrown of by Daylight Savings. To the custodian who found a horrible stall but strangely clean seat: You're welcome.
