Christ Centered Gamer

This is going to be a long one, but for those of you who take time to read it. Thanks. I will honestly say that I probably wouldn't do the same for you. That I lack sharing feelings with someone. I understand the feelings I just have a hard time connecting with sharing that emotion, because of consuming most of my time on myself. This is something that I have felt that I should consciously choose to do, to better myself. The only hard part is taking the time out to comprehend another person and understand them. I seem to be able to do this with literature and people (to a very slight degree), but with people there is a feeling of complete disconnect. It's like me saying,"hey i know that book, but never read it." or "I know of that person, but don't really know them." Same with feelings.

I'll start off by saying I might have some blood work done this week (without insurance), because I had a heart murmur the other day. At least I think that's what it was. It was loud and shook my chest. Left me drained for about 15-20 seconds and I regained strength after.

Within the past year I've been under a lot of stress/anxiety. Feel as though I'm being swallowed up by time. Wasting away. Too afraid to move forward in life. I don't even know what forward would be.

About a year ago I met a spirit. Or at least I think it was a spirit... my nonchristian friends (heck i don't even know if i'm one) have tried to convince me I'm just crazy and that I truly don't know what it was and it could have been a strong figment of my imagination. I don't think it was. Three days after I was baptized, I went to my old church for the first time in a long time. My old art teacher came up to me and was all smiles. We chatted a bit about random spiritual things (can't remember the topics), but she was getting a little hot under the collar with excitement. As I was leaving she asked if I wanted to take a cd back with me. She said,"this guy joseph prince teaches a really good grace message... I believe he's right on his grace message, but I don't know about all that other stuff."

So I took the cd, went home, got my bible out and analyzed it. I would say it was the most serious I had been about figuring out whether or not this teaching was legit. So after this I went downstairs to the kitchen where I was still thinking about what he was saying. Basically it was "free your mind, because jesus did something you couldn't do. works can't get you saved, so how can lack of works un-save you. you are made righteous not by works, but by what he did. so how can you lose that by lack of works?"

When I got this. I umm felt a presence. Almost as if the words in my head became what surrounded me. A thing in my chest opened up. Where my heart was. I'm talking literally, not flesh, but spiritual. And I was engulfed in a warm presence. It engulfed me then went above my head. I had my head down and my hands out, palms up, lowered to my waist by my sides. I was quite awe struck by what was going on, but it felt amazing. The spirit was doing a circular motion to my heart, which was very tingly feeling and nice. I was giggling, because I was like "this is great, i'm happy." My grandmother called me from the other room. And I didn't want to leave what was happening, but I thought hmm well I know it says to honor my father and mother and my grandmother is kinda like my mother so I'll go. So I left. I was still giggling a bit. I was at peace. I didn't need anyone anymore. I just left with a strong feeling that God is amazing. I didn't tell my grandmother right away. I was going to, but then I stopped.

I told her that night eventually, cause I was so at peace. I felt a little special of course, not prideful, just special. But after I told her she was like "oh yeah the other day in the car God just had me on cloud 9." and when she said it... I couldn't believe her. Like her words had no substance to them. But remembering my art teacher when she was telling me was different. There was a sense of aliveness.

I called my grandpa (the pentacostal one), he said it was God and told me I should not cut the spirit off like that. And I thought well I'm an idiot. So I wanted to check to see if other christians had this experience so I got online... I found a youtube video saying how it was demonic and all this stuff. How the laughter was deceiving it was a mocking spirit...

Ever since then I've been going down hill. Anxiety/stress has overtaken me. I'm not doing anything about it. I'm not fighting. Somedays I feel like everything is going to be ok. Other days I feel completely down and out. Struggling with muscle fatigue and for awhile I was sleeping a lot. Felt like there was no reason to get out of bed, except for work. Here lately I have been a very big mess with my emotions, but I'm hiding them as best as I can. It's difficult to anymore, because I've become irritable, looney, and feeling like I'm crazy. I used to be somewhat of a conspiracy theorist. So seeing the illuminati symbols and stuff at times doesn't help. I also tend to "reason/make up" crazy theories in my head whenever I see things.

I'm afraid to go to church, afraid of the bible. I'm very impressionable right now. In fact, I'm sure I could probably be diagnosed (because I try and selfdiagnose, but after I'm like screw this because i'm just going through a hard time) as being narcissistic or histrionic personality disorder. I theorize internally that something is trying to get me to accept my 'new self'. The diagnosis' may not necessarily be "me" now, but it's like I'm holding onto it and it's making me crazy. But as if I am being shown the old me.

I don't know what's going on... All I know is that I am consciously looking for a double meaning in most everything. Music, movies, games. I "think" I see a lot of Occultic stuff out there and It's disheartening to myself, because I don't know if i'm part of it or not.

Here is something odd... the other day I was at my nonchristian's friends house. (btw i have no christian friends). We grew up together in a "christian" school. Internally I feel angry at him to a degree, because he claims not to be and says that he believes Jesus was a just a good teacher. But he has been right about a lot of things and seems to be about his dumb theories too. I honestly am scared to think this, but I want to say he's somewhat of an Occultist (maybe not like witches and stuff), but with his theories. (i honestly dont know what i'm saying i just get mixed vibes, i liked him better when I didn't think I knew him as well, cause everything is a ******* question with himm, except "facts")

So anyway, i'm over at his house, and i'm slightly spilling the beans to him about my problems. I don't release a ton of information, because I'm too afraid. He's looking through his Pokedex. He's like "there is this theory that Wobbuffet is actually a balloon and that the dark little figure behind him is actually himself." "If you look at his first form, he is much smaller, but looks like a partially deflated balloon. One of those that you might see at a car lot with the long wavy arms" and he looks up at me and kinda giggles while smiling.

As he is telling me this I start getting a 'sense' like this is the truth about myself. But also that my friend is doing this purposefully, because he knows me and he is trying to tell me something without telling me straight forward. (this ticks me off) And I decided to say,"I know what your doing..." and he responded,"Dude, I just love the lore and theories in the universe of pokemon." and goes onto another.

This guy thinks I'm a little crazy. And you might too if you have read all my post...

I don't really know if I'm crazy. I THINK it might be the Holy Spirit trying to convict me and help me, but I don't know. I'm terribly confused. It's like being in the dark. I have my sin. I know my sins. I know past sins. I know how ugly I am inside. I've been hiding. And I think for a large majority of my life I have hid myself even from myself. And I am such a double minded person because of this... I cannot trust myself to think that I even truly want help from an outside source. It's like being caught between a rock and a hard place and digging down deeper. I am a person that is scared of confrontation, because when I was younger there was times when I did things wrong and I was terrified of my grandmother or dad finding out. I think I am so scared of confrontation that to even confront myself is terrifying to me, because it means I have deal with things. And/or possibly look for an outside source to help me.

I know something is going on and/or different with me, because within the past year I am "hearing" the lyrics to the music I onced listened to and having this strong feeling that "i know what they are talking about..." and then some of that junk is so cryptic I think "I know what they are talking about even if they don't know what they are talking about."

I went to an outing to a live band the other week with a couple of my better friends (ones that I dont feel like they try to psychoanalyze me they just like me being around), while we was in the car and going there. I start actively listening to the music they have on in the car. I said,"what band is this?" he told me and I said,"i like this it's not bad." Then I started hearing it. And I felt a part of me understanding how disturbing it was and another part of me just enjoying the sound. I sometimes "feel" this "oneness" with everything that is wrong with the world inside of me and it's easy to see it when I'm out in public or listening to the radio. My friend said,"what do you think about the music (referring to the instruments)?" I said,"It's kind of looney..." and he just mumbled "looney..." He sounded like it offended him some.

I spent most of my life in my own little world. Now I think reality is breaking through to me and I don't know how to take it. I'm starting to realize that a 'conforming of the minds' is something that actually takes place whenever you are with a group of certain people for long durations of time. Either this is true or I'm just very impressionable.

Just pray for me, cause right now I just want to be around someone and get my mind off of stuff. The only thing is, is when I am around someone I want to get this off my chest. I cannot seem to make up my mind. I just spiral down.

Maybe a bit of medication to help me going?

Has anyone ever been in a place where you don't know if everything is alright or everything is all wrong? You just know your confused. And a big part of you would rather stay in it, because you have a hard time believing anything else and it's almost as if it's all you know for the majority of your life. Hmm... Like Good is foreign. Love foreign. Trust is foreign.

(this just came to me)Maybe that's why foreigner is called foreigner? (this is what i'm trying to tell you... I believe I know what these stupid things are even if I don't really know or they don't even know)

Praying for clarity, I would also suggest talking to your pastor, he'll listen and get yo on the right path. When I first became a Christian I was on fire and a bit of a zealot looking back. Some of those feeling are normal but I don't know where the line is since everyone is wired differently. :\

ive been told i think too much. its hard not to anymore. ive lost my way. its like being in a desert with half of a map thats slowly disintegrating in your hands. youve forgotten where youve came from, because of questioning it all.

you know the family you was raised with wasn't perfect, but you never felt like you could confide in them. and because you grew up in church with them makes it even more confusing because of their behavior at home.

the kids you grew up with are all messed up and they blame on the little private christian school that you all grew up in.

im 24, the pastor died 3 years ago. since then that place has been a mess. they still dont have a pastor. they had one, but ran him off. the reason was over christmas... now im starting to think that us kids were right the entire time about how we felt about certain authority figures in the church. not the deceased pastor, but some under him.

just put me on a prayer list if you don't mind. im confused, depressed, irritable, upset, afraid, prideful, ashamed and feel kinda crazy.

yeah, clarity would be nice. sorry to be so dramatic, but im 24 and still feel like a child.

its very contradicting to try and not fake it anymore when your also trying to not breakdown.

Praying for you dude.

I've been in a similar situation myself. And I still am struggling with it somewhat. I will tell you this from experience...ask for help. God foremost (He will never leave you. And you can trust that implicitly), but your family, a church counselor, a doctor, whatever. Some things you cannot solve by yourself, and you have to get help. There is no shame in this.

It's like you've set the first stone on the path, and that stone gives you something firm to stand on.

Somewhere in Proverbs there's the advice of "commit to the Lord whatever you do, and He will lead you on the right path". If you need to talk, feel free to message me.