Christ Centered Gamer

"Somebody has said there are only two kinds of people in the world. There are those who wake up in the morning and say,
"Good morning, Lord,"
and there are those who wake up in the morning and say,
"Good Lord, it's morning."

What did the peanut say to the other peanut.

I got assaulted.

theres a guy who had been lost and walking in the desert for about 2 weeks. one how day, he sees the home of a missionary. tired and, he crawls up to the house and collapses on the doorstep. the missionary finds him and nurses him back to health. feeling better, the man asks the missionary for directions to the nearest town. on his way out the backdoor, he sees this horse. he goes into the house and asks the missionary, ''could I borrow your horse and it back when I reach the town?''

the missionary says ''sure but there is a special about this horse. you have to say 'thank god' to make it go and amen' to make it stop.''

not paying much attention, the man says, ''sure, ok.''

so he gets on the horse and says, ''thank god'' and the horse starts walking. then he says, ''thank god, thank god,'' and the horse starts trotting. feeling really brave, the man says. ''thank god, thank god, thank god, thank god, thank god, thank god'' and the horse just takes off. pretty soon he sees this cliff coming up and he's doing everything he can to make the horse stop.

''whoa, stop, hold on!!!'''

finally he remembers, ''amen!!''

the horse stops 4 inches from the cliff. then the man leans back in the and says, ''thank god.''

PROOFREADING: A ‘DYING’ ART

A man received the following text message from his neighbor: I am so sorry mate. I've been riddled with guilt and I have to confess. I have been helping myself to your wife, day and night when you're not around, in fact more than you. I do not get it at home, but that's no excuse. I can no longer live with the guilt and I hope you will accept my sincerest apology with my promise that it won't, ever happen again. The man, anguished and betrayed, went into his bedroom, grabbed his gun and without a word, shot his wife and killed her. A few moments later, a second text message came in: Bloody autospell! I mean't " wifi ”, not " wife ”. Sorry!

Whoa...

What is twice the size of an elephant but weighs zero pounds?

An elephant's shadow.

Man walks into a bar and pauses: at the other end of the bar, there's this guy with a big orange head. Just kind of sitting there, mooning into his drink. So the man asks the bartender, "Say, what's up with the guy with the big orange head?" And the bartender says, "It's an interesting story. Buy him a drink and maybe he'll tell it to you."

So the man walks over and introduces himself and offers to buy a round. The guy with the big orange head says, "Yeah, I'll bet you want to know the story, huh?" To which the man replies, "Sure, if you don't mind."

The man with the big orange head sighs and says, "You know, I've gone over it in my mind a million times. Basically, it's like this: I was walking along the beach one day, when I stubbed my toe on something. I looked down, and there was an antique brass lamp. I picked it up and dusted it off a little -- when all of a sudden this enormous genie pops out!

"The genie thundered, 'You have released me from my ten-thousand year imprisonment, and I am in your debt. I will grant you three wishes as a token of my gratitude.'

The man at the bar is agape. The guy with the big orange head continues: "So I said, 'Wow, okay. Well, my first wish is to be fantastically wealthy.'

"The genie says, 'Your wish is granted.' And all of a sudden I have rings on my fingers and a crown on my head, and my wallet is full of money and a dozen ATM cards and the deed to a mansion in the hills -- I mean, I was loaded!

"So I said, 'Amazing! Okay, for my next wish , I want to be married to the most beautiful woman in the world.'

"The genie says, 'Your wish is granted.' And the ocean parts, and out walks this gorgeous woman in this beautiful dress, and she takes my hand and we fall in love and the genie marries us right there. It was incredible.

"The genie booms, 'You have one wish remaining.'"

The man with the big orange head pauses and sips his beer. He says, "Now, you know, this may be where I went wrong. I wished for a big orange head.

Sherlock Holmes and Dr Watson were going camping. They pitched their tent under the stars and went to sleep. Sometime in the middle of the night Holmes woke Watson up and said: “Watson, look up at the stars, and tell me what you see.”

Watson replied: “I see millions and millions of stars.”

Holmes said: “and what do you deduce from that?”

Watson replied: “Well, if there are millions of stars, and if even a few of those have planets, it’s quite likely there are some planets like earth out there. And if there are a few planets like earth out there, there might also be life.”

And Holmes said: “Watson, you idiot, it means that somebody stole our tent.”

Hey heres a joke: Why did the man at the orange juice factory lose his job? Answer:He couldn't "concentrate"!

Here's a few animal jokes: 1.How do you make a snake cry? A:Take away its rattle! 2.Why did the firefly get bad grades in school? A:He wasn't very bright! 3.Where do you put a noisy dog? A:In a "Barking Lot"! 4.What do you get from nervous cows? A:Milk shakes!

I've got a few Minecraft jokes, 1. What game do pigs like to play? A:Swinecraft! 2.Once a creeper had a baby,it grew up very quickly and then saw a minecrafter,it ran towards it and... KABOOM! It blew up. When the mother creeper saw this she said "They blow up so fast!" 3.Why don't Zombies play hide and seek with creepers? A:Because they always creep up on them!

Here's a few Doctor jokes: 1.Patient:Doctor, this ointment you gave me makes my arm smart! Doctor:Then try putting some on your head.

2.Paitient:Doctor, I only have 59 seconds to live! Doctor:Just a minute!

3.Patient:Doctor, i've turned into an apple! Doctor:Well I guess an apple a day didn't keep you away from me.

4.Patient:Doctor, i'm invisible! Doctor:I'm sorry sir but i can't see you right now.

5.Patient:Doctor, everyone thinks i'm a liar. Doctor:I don't believe you.

Hope you liked these jokes!

Here's Some Doofus jokes: 1.Why did the doofus get fired from the banana factory? A:He through out all the bent ones!
2.What did the stupid burglar do when he saw a "WANTED" poster outside the police station? A:He went in and applied for the job!
3.How do you make a doofus laugh on Sunday? A:Tell him a joke on Saturday!

Knock knock!
Who's there?
Dewey.
Dewey who?
Dewey have to keep telling silly jokes.


Did I mention I have a preschooler? He is into jokes right now

Oh my gosh that is so funny!