Christ Centered Gamer

What's green and red and goes a hundred miles per hour? A frog in a blender.. :O

Why did the Elephant paint his toe nails pink?
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.................................................So he could hide in the strawberry patch!

Went ahead and reformatted this post so it doesn't stretch the page - Deepfreeze32

Ralph and Edna were both patients in a mental hospital. One day while they were walking past the hospital swimming pool, Ralph suddenly jumped into the deep end.

He sank to the bottom of the pool and stayed there.

Edna promptly jumped in to save him. She swam to the bottom and pulled him out. Edna then took Ralph back to their room.

When the Head Nurse Director became aware of Edna's heroic act she immediately ordered her to be discharged from the hospital, as she now considered Edna to be mentally stable.

When she went to tell Edna the news she said, "Edna, I have goodnews and bad news. The good news is you're being discharged,since you were able to rationally respond to a crisis by jumping in and saving the life of the person you love... I have concluded that your act displays sound mindedness. The bad news is, Ralph hung himself in the bathroom with his bathrobe belt right after you saved him. I am so sorry, but he's dead."

Edna replied, 'He didn't hang himself, I put him there to dry...
How soon can I go home?'

ccgr wrote:Ralph and Edna were both patients in a mental hospital. One day while they were walking past the hospital swimming pool, Ralph suddenly jumped into the deep end.

He sank to the bottom of the pool and stayed there.

Edna promptly jumped in to save him. She swam to the bottom and pulled him out. Edna then took Ralph back to their room.

When the Head Nurse Director became aware of Edna's heroic act she immediately ordered her to be discharged from the hospital, as she now considered Edna to be mentally stable.

When she went to tell Edna the news she said, "Edna, I have goodnews and bad news. The good news is you're being discharged,since you were able to rationally respond to a crisis by jumping in and saving the life of the person you love... I have concluded that your act displays sound mindedness. The bad news is, Ralph hung himself in the bathroom with his bathrobe belt right after you saved him. I am so sorry, but he's dead."

Edna replied, 'He didn't hang himself, I put him there to dry...
How soon can I go home?'

I almost died!!!!

And now for the blonde jokes...

1. Q:Why did the blonde visit the post office 50 times in one day?
A:Her computer kept saying she has mail.


2. Q: Why did the blonde stare at the orange juice container for 15 minutes?
A: It said "concentrate".


3. Q: How do you keep a blonde busy?
A: Write "Please turn over" on both sides of a piece of paper.


4. Q: Why can't blondes put in light bulbs?
A: They keep breakin em' with hammers.


5. Q: What goes VROOM, SCREECH, VROOM, SCREECH, VROOM, SCREECH?
A: A blonde driving through a flashing red light.


6. Q: How do you make a blonde go crazy?
A: Tell her to sit in the corner of a circular room!


7. Q: What do UFO's and smart blondes have in common?
A: You keep hearing about them, but never see any.


8. Q:What do you call two blondes in a freezer?
A: Frosted flakes.


9. Q: Why did the blonde put her money in the freezer?
A: She wanted cold hard cash!


10. Q: What do you call a blonde skeleton in the closet?
A: Last year's hide and seek champion.


11.Q: Did you hear about the blonde who attempted to drive to Disney World?
A: She saw a sign saying: "Disney World Left" so she went home.


12. Q: Why can't blondes make ice cubes?
A: Because they can't remember the recipe.

So a poor man, a rich man, and an army man are all sitting in a plane. The pilot tells them each to throw something out because he doesn't know if they'll make it safely so the rich man throws out a $10 bill, the poor man throws out a penny, and the army man throws out a grenade and they all get to the airport safely.

As the rich man is walking home, he sees a kid crying. He's a nice guy so he asks the kid why he's crying. He answers, "A ten dollar bill fell from the sky and hit me in the face!" And the rich man goes home sad.

As the poor man is going home, he sees a kid crying. He's a nice guy too, so he asks why the kid is crying. The kid says, "A penny fell from the sky and hit me in the face!" So the poor man goes home sad too.

As the army man is walking home, he sees a kid rolling on the ground laughing his head off. He asks the kid why he's laughing and the boy says, "I farted and the house behind me blew up!!!"

An engineer dies and reports to the Pearly Gates.

Saint Peter checks his dossier and, not seeing his name there,
accidentally sends him to Hell.

It doesn't take long before the engineer becomes rather dissatisfied with
the level of comfort in Hell.

He soon begins to design and build improvements. Shortly thereafter, Hell
has air conditioning, flush toilets and escalators. Needless to say, the
engineer is a pretty popular guy.

One day, God calls Satan and says: "So, how are things in Hell?"

Satan replies: "Hey, things are going great. We've got air conditioning,
flush toilets, and escalators. And there's no telling what this engineer
is going to come up with next."

"What!" God exclaims: "You've got an engineer?

That's a mistake - he should never have been sent to Hell. Send him to me."

"Not a chance," Satan replies: "I like having an engineer on the staff,
and I'm keeping him!"

God insists: "Send him back or I'll sue."

Satan laughs uproariously and answers: "Yeah, right. And where are you going to get a lawyer?"

An oldie but a goodie.
Even better considering I'm an engineer who is an atheist and my sister is a lawyer who is a christian.
This should play out in a very interesting way.

A guy took his blonde girlfriend to her first football game. They had great seats right behind their team's bench. After the game, he asked her how she liked it.

"Oh, I really liked it," she replied, "especially the tight pants and all the big muscles, but I just couldn't understand why they were killing each other over 25 cents."

Dumbfounded, her boyfriend asked, "What do you mean?"

"Well, they flipped a coin, one team got it and then for the rest of the game, all they kept screaming was... 'Get the quarter back! Get the quarter back!'

I'm like...Helloooooo? It's only 25 cents!!!!"

I want to buy a karate black belt, so karate masters will finally take me seriously.

This is a true story my grandfather told me.

My grandfather and grandmother, before they were married, went out to dinner at a semi-expensive restaurant. After being seated at their table, my grandfather noticed a complimentary bowl of nuts, still in their shells, in the middle of the table.

My grandfather loved nuts. He ate them daily. But, alas, there was no nutcracker on the table. He excused himself from the table, saying he would go fetch one.

On his return to the table with a nutcracker, he noticed a lovely looking couple sitting at a table. He noticed immediately, that they were in the same predicament as he was when he arrived. So, he prompty walked up to their table, and being the gentleman that he was, asked the man,"You want me to bust your nuts?"

My grandfather said he would remember the faces of those two young people, as long as he lived.

haha!

Lol!

An Old Italian Mafia Don is dying. He calls his grandson to his bedside.

"Grandson, I wanna you lissina to me. I wanna for you to taka my chrome
plated .38 revolver so you will always remember me"

"But grandpa, I really don't like guns. How about you leave me your
Rolex watch instead?"

"You lissina me. Somma day you gonna be runna da business, you gonna
have a beautiful wife, lotsa money, a big home and maybe a couple of
bambinos.

"Somma day you gonna coma home and maybe finda your wife inna bed with
another man.

"Whatta you gonna do then... pointa to your watch and say, Times Up!

Good one!

An Irishman, an Englishman, and a Scotsman walk into a pub an each order a pint of beer. As they sit down, a fly lands in each cup.
The englishman looks disgusted and demands he get another pint. The scotsman picks up the fly, shrugs, flicks it away and takes a long gulp. The irishman reaches his hand in, picks up the fly between his fingers, and yells, "Now spit it out!"