Spam 2...the next thousand pages....

[jester747]

Wow, this really has survived a long time of spam. This thread was here, and into a few hundred pages, when I got here. O_o

[Orodrist]

I VOTE WE BOYCOTT IT!!!

[jester747]

ROFL

You couldn't if you tried buddy.

[Orodrist]

We've all heard that a million monkeys banging on a million typewriters will eventually reproduce the entire works of Shakespeare. Now, thanks to the Internet, we know this is not true.

[Fred1000000]

Enter BARNARDO and FRANCISCO,
two sentinels, [meeting].

BARNARDO
1 Who's there?

FRANCISCO
2 Nay, answer me: stand, and unfold yourself.

BARNARDO
3 Long live the king!

FRANCISCO
4 Barnardo?

BARNARDO
5 He.

FRANCISCO
6 You come most carefully upon your hour.

BARNARDO
7 'Tis now struck twelve; get thee to bed, Francisco.

FRANCISCO
8 For this relief much thanks: 'tis bitter cold,
9 And I am sick at heart.

BARNARDO
10 Have you had quiet guard?

FRANCISCO
10 Not a mouse stirring.

BARNARDO
11 Well, good night.
12 If you do meet Horatio and Marcellus,
13 The rivals of my watch, bid them make haste.

FRANCISCO
14 I think I hear them. Stand, ho! Who's there?

Enter HORATIO and MARCELLUS.

HORATIO
15 Friends to this ground.

MARCELLUS
15 And liegemen to the Dane.

FRANCISCO
16 Give you good night.

MARCELLUS
16 O, farewell, honest soldier:
17 Who hath relieved you?

FRANCISCO
17 Barnardo has my place.
18 Give you good night.

Exit Francisco.

MARCELLUS
18 Holla! Barnardo!

BARNARDO
18 Say—
19 What, is Horatio there?

HORATIO
19 A piece of him.

BARNARDO
20 Welcome, Horatio: welcome, good Marcellus.

HORATIO
21 What, has this thing appear'd again tonight?

BARNARDO
22 I have seen nothing.

MARCELLUS
23 Horatio says 'tis but our fantasy,
24 And will not let belief take hold of him
25 Touching this dreaded sight, twice seen of us:
26 Therefore I have entreated him along
27 With us to watch the minutes of this night;
28 That if again this apparition come,
29 He may approve our eyes and speak to it.

HORATIO
30 Tush, tush, 'twill not appear.

BARNARDO
30 Sit down awhile;
31 And let us once again assail your ears,
32 That are so fortified against our story
33 What we have two nights seen.

HORATIO
33 Well, sit we down,
34 And let us hear Barnardo speak of this.

BARNARDO
35 Last night of all,
36 When yond same star that's westward from the pole
37 Had made his course to illume that part of heaven
38 Where now it burns, Marcellus and myself,
39 The bell then beating one—

Enter Ghost.

MARCELLUS
40 Peace, break thee off; look, where it comes again!

BARNARDO
41 In the same figure, like the king that's dead.

MARCELLUS
42 Thou art a scholar; speak to it, Horatio.

BARNARDO
43 Looks 'a not like the king? mark it, Horatio.

HORATIO
44 Most like: it harrows me with fear and wonder.

BARNARDO
45 It would be spoke to.

MARCELLUS
45 Speak to it, Horatio.

HORATIO
46 What art thou that usurp'st this time of night,
47 Together with that fair and warlike form
48 In which the majesty of buried Denmark
49 Did sometimes march? by heaven I charge thee, speak!

MARCELLUS
50 It is offended.

BARNARDO
50 See, it stalks away!

HORATIO
51 Stay! speak, speak! I charge thee, speak!

Exit Ghost.

MARCELLUS
52 'Tis gone, and will not answer.

BARNARDO
53 How now, Horatio! you tremble and look pale:
54 Is not this something more than fantasy?
55 What think you on't?

HORATIO
56 Before my God, I might not this believe
57 Without the sensible and true avouch
58 Of mine own eyes.

MARCELLUS
58 Is it not like the king?

HORATIO
59 As thou art to thyself:
60 Such was the very armour he had on
61 When he the ambitious Norway combated;
62 So frown'd he once, when, in an angry parle,
63 He smote the sledded Polacks on the ice.
64 'Tis strange.

MARCELLUS
65 Thus twice before, and jump at this dead hour,
66 With martial stalk hath he gone by our watch.

HORATIO
67 In what particular thought to work I know not;
68 But in the gross and scope of my opinion,
69 This bodes some strange eruption to our state.

MARCELLUS
70 Good now, sit down, and tell me, he that knows,
71 Why this same strict and most observant watch
72 So nightly toils the subject of the land,
73 And why such daily cast of brazen cannon,
74 And foreign mart for implements of war;
75 Why such impress of shipwrights, whose sore task
76 Does not divide the Sunday from the week;
77 What might be toward, that this sweaty haste
78 Doth make the night joint-labourer with the day:
79 Who is't that can inform me?

HORATIO
79 That can I;
80 At least, the whisper goes so. Our last king,
81 Whose image even but now appear'd to us,
82 Was, as you know, by Fortinbras of Norway,
83 Thereto prick'd on by a most emulate pride,
84 Dared to the combat; in which our valiant Hamlet—
85 For so this side of our known world esteem'd him—
86 Did slay this Fortinbras; who by a seal'd compact,
87 Well ratified by law and heraldry,
88 Did forfeit, with his life, all those his lands
89 Which he stood seized of, to the conqueror:
90 Against the which, a moiety competent
91 Was gaged by our king; which had return'd
92 To the inheritance of Fortinbras,
93 Had he been vanquisher; as, by the same covenant,
94 And carriage of the article design'd,
95 His fell to Hamlet. Now, sir, young Fortinbras,
96 Of unimproved mettle hot and full,
97 Hath in the skirts of Norway here and there
98 Shark'd up a list of lawless resolutes,
99 For food and diet, to some enterprise
100 That hath a stomach in't; which is no other—
101 As it doth well appear unto our state—
102 But to recover of us, by strong hand
103 And terms compulsatory, those foresaid lands
104 So by his father lost: and this, I take it,
105 Is the main motive of our preparations,
106 The source of this our watch and the chief head
107 Of this post-haste and romage in the land.

BARNARDO
108 I think it be no other but e'en so:
109 Well may it sort that this portentous figure
110 Comes armed through our watch; so like the king
111 That was and is the question of these wars.

HORATIO
112 A mote it is to trouble the mind's eye.
113 In the most high and palmy state of Rome,
114 A little ere the mightiest Julius fell,
115 The graves stood tenantless and the sheeted dead
116 Did squeak and gibber in the Roman streets:
117 As stars with trains of fire and dews of blood,
118 Disasters in the sun; and the moist star
119 Upon whose influence Neptune's empire stands
120 Was sick almost to doomsday with eclipse:
121 And even the like precurse of fierce events,
122 As harbingers preceding still the fates
123 And prologue to the omen coming on,
124 Have heaven and earth together demonstrated
125 Unto our climatures and countrymen.—

Enter GHOST.

126 But soft, behold! lo, where it comes again!

It spreads his arms.

127 I'll cross it, though it blast me. Stay, illusion!
128 If thou hast any sound, or use of voice,
129 Speak to me:
130 If there be any good thing to be done,
131 That may to thee do ease and grace to me,
132 Speak to me:
133 If thou art privy to thy country's fate,
134 Which, happily, foreknowing may avoid,
135 O, speak!
136 Or if thou hast uphoarded in thy life
137 Extorted treasure in the womb of earth,
138 For which, they say, you spirits oft walk in death,

The cock crows.

139 Speak of it: stay, and speak! Stop it, Marcellus.

MARCELLUS
140 Shall I strike at it with my partisan?

HORATIO
141 Do, if it will not stand.

BARNARDO
141 'Tis here!

HORATIO
141 'Tis here!

MARCELLUS
142 'Tis gone!

[Exit Ghost.]

143 We do it wrong, being so majestical,
144 To offer it the show of violence;
145 For it is, as the air, invulnerable,
146 And our vain blows malicious mockery.

BARNARDO
147 It was about to speak when the cock crew.

HORATIO
148 And then it started like a guilty thing
149 Upon a fearful summons. I have heard,
150 The cock, that is the trumpet to the morn,
151 Doth with his lofty and shrill-sounding throat
152 Awake the god of day; and, at his warning,
153 Whether in sea or fire, in earth or air,
154 The extravagant and erring spirit hies
155 To his confine: and of the truth herein
156 This present object made probation.

MARCELLUS
157 It faded on the crowing of the cock.
158 Some say that ever 'gainst that season comes
159 Wherein our Saviour's birth is celebrated,
160 The bird of dawning singeth all night long:
161 And then, they say, no spirit dares stir abroad;
162 The nights are wholesome; then no planets strike,
163 No fairy takes, nor witch hath power to charm,
164 So hallow'd and so gracious is the time.

HORATIO
165 So have I heard and do in part believe it.
166 But, look, the morn, in russet mantle clad,
167 Walks o'er the dew of yon high eastward hill:
168 Break we our watch up; and by my advice,
169 Let us impart what we have seen to-night
170 Unto young Hamlet; for, upon my life,
171 This spirit, dumb to us, will speak to him.
172 Do you consent we shall acquaint him with it,
173 As needful in our loves, fitting our duty?

MARCELLUS
174 Let's do't, I pray; and I this morning know
175 Where we shall find him most conveniently.

Exeunt.

And you doubted me for a moment.

[Orodrist]

rofl

[Fred1000000]

Act 1, Scene 2

SCENE II. A room of state in the castle.

Enter KING CLAUDIUS, QUEEN GERTRUDE, HAMLET, POLONIUS, LAERTES, VOLTIMAND, CORNELIUS, Lords, and Attendants

KING CLAUDIUS

Though yet of Hamlet our dear brother's death
The memory be green, and that it us befitted
To bear our hearts in grief and our whole kingdom
To be contracted in one brow of woe,
Yet so far hath discretion fought with nature
That we with wisest sorrow think on him,
Together with remembrance of ourselves.
Therefore our sometime sister, now our queen,
The imperial jointress to this warlike state,
Have we, as 'twere with a defeated joy,--
With an auspicious and a dropping eye,
With mirth in funeral and with dirge in marriage,
In equal scale weighing delight and dole,--
Taken to wife: nor have we herein barr'd
Your better wisdoms, which have freely gone
With this affair along. For all, our thanks.
Now follows, that you know, young Fortinbras,
Holding a weak supposal of our worth,
Or thinking by our late dear brother's death
Our state to be disjoint and out of frame,
Colleagued with the dream of his advantage,
He hath not fail'd to pester us with message,
Importing the surrender of those lands
Lost by his father, with all bonds of law,
To our most valiant brother. So much for him.
Now for ourself and for this time of meeting:
Thus much the business is: we have here writ
To Norway, uncle of young Fortinbras,--
Who, impotent and bed-rid, scarcely hears
Of this his nephew's purpose,--to suppress
His further gait herein; in that the levies,
The lists and full proportions, are all made
Out of his subject: and we here dispatch
You, good Cornelius, and you, Voltimand,
For bearers of this greeting to old Norway;
Giving to you no further personal power
To business with the king, more than the scope
Of these delated articles allow.
Farewell, and let your haste commend your duty.

CORNELIUS VOLTIMAND

In that and all things will we show our duty.

KING CLAUDIUS

We doubt it nothing: heartily farewell.

Exeunt VOLTIMAND and CORNELIUS
And now, Laertes, what's the news with you?
You told us of some suit; what is't, Laertes?
You cannot speak of reason to the Dane,
And loose your voice: what wouldst thou beg, Laertes,
That shall not be my offer, not thy asking?
The head is not more native to the heart,
The hand more instrumental to the mouth,
Than is the throne of Denmark to thy father.
What wouldst thou have, Laertes?

LAERTES

My dread lord,
Your leave and favour to return to France;
From whence though willingly I came to Denmark,
To show my duty in your coronation,
Yet now, I must confess, that duty done,
My thoughts and wishes bend again toward France
And bow them to your gracious leave and pardon.

KING CLAUDIUS

Have you your father's leave? What says Polonius?

LORD POLONIUS

He hath, my lord, wrung from me my slow leave
By laboursome petition, and at last
Upon his will I seal'd my hard consent:
I do beseech you, give him leave to go.

KING CLAUDIUS

Take thy fair hour, Laertes; time be thine,
And thy best graces spend it at thy will!
But now, my cousin Hamlet, and my son,--

HAMLET

[Aside] A little more than kin, and less than kind.

KING CLAUDIUS

How is it that the clouds still hang on you?

HAMLET

Not so, my lord; I am too much i' the sun.

QUEEN GERTRUDE

Good Hamlet, cast thy nighted colour off,
And let thine eye look like a friend on Denmark.
Do not for ever with thy vailed lids
Seek for thy noble father in the dust:
Thou know'st 'tis common; all that lives must die,
Passing through nature to eternity.

HAMLET

Ay, madam, it is common.

QUEEN GERTRUDE

If it be,
Why seems it so particular with thee?

HAMLET

Seems, madam! nay it is; I know not 'seems.'
'Tis not alone my inky cloak, good mother,
Nor customary suits of solemn black,
Nor windy suspiration of forced breath,
No, nor the fruitful river in the eye,
Nor the dejected 'havior of the visage,
Together with all forms, moods, shapes of grief,
That can denote me truly: these indeed seem,
For they are actions that a man might play:
But I have that within which passeth show;
These but the trappings and the suits of woe.

KING CLAUDIUS

'Tis sweet and commendable in your nature, Hamlet,
To give these mourning duties to your father:
But, you must know, your father lost a father;
That father lost, lost his, and the survivor bound
In filial obligation for some term
To do obsequious sorrow: but to persever
In obstinate condolement is a course
Of impious stubbornness; 'tis unmanly grief;
It shows a will most incorrect to heaven,
A heart unfortified, a mind impatient,
An understanding simple and unschool'd:
For what we know must be and is as common
As any the most vulgar thing to sense,
Why should we in our peevish opposition
Take it to heart? Fie! 'tis a fault to heaven,
A fault against the dead, a fault to nature,
To reason most absurd: whose common theme
Is death of fathers, and who still hath cried,
From the first corse till he that died to-day,
'This must be so.' We pray you, throw to earth
This unprevailing woe, and think of us
As of a father: for let the world take note,
You are the most immediate to our throne;
And with no less nobility of love
Than that which dearest father bears his son,
Do I impart toward you. For your intent
In going back to school in Wittenberg,
It is most retrograde to our desire:
And we beseech you, bend you to remain
Here, in the cheer and comfort of our eye,
Our chiefest courtier, cousin, and our son.

QUEEN GERTRUDE

Let not thy mother lose her prayers, Hamlet:
I pray thee, stay with us; go not to Wittenberg.

HAMLET

I shall in all my best obey you, madam.

KING CLAUDIUS

Why, 'tis a loving and a fair reply:
Be as ourself in Denmark. Madam, come;
This gentle and unforced accord of Hamlet
Sits smiling to my heart: in grace whereof,
No jocund health that Denmark drinks to-day,
But the great cannon to the clouds shall tell,
And the king's rouse the heavens all bruit again,
Re-speaking earthly thunder. Come away.

Exeunt all but HAMLET

HAMLET

O, that this too too solid flesh would melt
Thaw and resolve itself into a dew!
Or that the Everlasting had not fix'd
His canon 'gainst self-slaughter! O God! God!
How weary, stale, flat and unprofitable,
Seem to me all the uses of this world!
Fie on't! ah fie! 'tis an unweeded garden,
That grows to seed; things rank and gross in nature
Possess it merely. That it should come to this!
But two months dead: nay, not so much, not two:
So excellent a king; that was, to this,
Hyperion to a satyr; so loving to my mother
That he might not beteem the winds of heaven
Visit her face too roughly. Heaven and earth!
Must I remember? why, she would hang on him,
As if increase of appetite had grown
By what it fed on: and yet, within a month--
Let me not think on't--Frailty, thy name is woman!--
A little month, or ere those shoes were old
With which she follow'd my poor father's body,
Like Niobe, all tears:--why she, even she--
O, God! a beast, that wants discourse of reason,
Would have mourn'd longer--married with my uncle,
My father's brother, but no more like my father
Than I to Hercules: within a month:
Ere yet the salt of most unrighteous tears
Had left the flushing in her galled eyes,
She married. O, most wicked speed, to post
With such dexterity to incestuous sheets!
It is not nor it cannot come to good:
But break, my heart; for I must hold my tongue.

Enter HORATIO, MARCELLUS, and BERNARDO

HORATIO

Hail to your lordship!

HAMLET

I am glad to see you well:
Horatio,--or I do forget myself.

HORATIO

The same, my lord, and your poor servant ever.

HAMLET

Sir, my good friend; I'll change that name with you:
And what make you from Wittenberg, Horatio? Marcellus?

MARCELLUS

My good lord--

HAMLET

I am very glad to see you. Good even, sir.
But what, in faith, make you from Wittenberg?

HORATIO

A truant disposition, good my lord.

HAMLET

I would not hear your enemy say so,
Nor shall you do mine ear that violence,
To make it truster of your own report
Against yourself: I know you are no truant.
But what is your affair in Elsinore?
We'll teach you to drink deep ere you depart.

HORATIO

My lord, I came to see your father's funeral.

HAMLET

I pray thee, do not mock me, fellow-student;
I think it was to see my mother's wedding.

HORATIO

Indeed, my lord, it follow'd hard upon.

HAMLET

Thrift, thrift, Horatio! the funeral baked meats
Did coldly furnish forth the marriage tables.
Would I had met my dearest foe in heaven
Or ever I had seen that day, Horatio!
My father!--methinks I see my father.

HORATIO

Where, my lord?

HAMLET

In my mind's eye, Horatio.

HORATIO

I saw him once; he was a goodly king.

HAMLET

He was a man, take him for all in all,
I shall not look upon his like again.

HORATIO

My lord, I think I saw him yesternight.

HAMLET

Saw? who?

HORATIO

My lord, the king your father.

HAMLET

The king my father!

HORATIO

Season your admiration for awhile
With an attent ear, till I may deliver,
Upon the witness of these gentlemen,
This marvel to you.

HAMLET

For God's love, let me hear.

HORATIO

Two nights together had these gentlemen,
Marcellus and Bernardo, on their watch,
In the dead vast and middle of the night,
Been thus encounter'd. A figure like your father,
Armed at point exactly, cap-a-pe,
Appears before them, and with solemn march
Goes slow and stately by them: thrice he walk'd
By their oppress'd and fear-surprised eyes,
Within his truncheon's length; whilst they, distilled
Almost to jelly with the act of fear,
Stand dumb and speak not to him. This to me
In dreadful secrecy impart they did;
And I with them the third night kept the watch;
Where, as they had deliver'd, both in time,
Form of the thing, each word made true and good,
The apparition comes: I knew your father;
These hands are not more like.

HAMLET

But where was this?

MARCELLUS

My lord, upon the platform where we watch'd.

HAMLET

Did you not speak to it?

HORATIO

My lord, I did;
But answer made it none: yet once methought
It lifted up its head and did address
Itself to motion, like as it would speak;
But even then the morning cock crew loud,
And at the sound it shrunk in haste away,
And vanish'd from our sight.

HAMLET

'Tis very strange.

HORATIO

As I do live, my honour'd lord, 'tis true;
And we did think it writ down in our duty
To let you know of it.

HAMLET

Indeed, indeed, sirs, but this troubles me.
Hold you the watch to-night?

MARCELLUS BERNARDO

We do, my lord.

HAMLET

Arm'd, say you?

MARCELLUS BERNARDO

Arm'd, my lord.

HAMLET

From top to toe?

MARCELLUS BERNARDO

My lord, from head to foot.

HAMLET

Then saw you not his face?

HORATIO

O, yes, my lord; he wore his beaver up.

HAMLET

What, look'd he frowningly?

HORATIO

A countenance more in sorrow than in anger.

HAMLET

Pale or red?

HORATIO

Nay, very pale.

HAMLET

And fix'd his eyes upon you?

HORATIO

Most constantly.

HAMLET

I would I had been there.

HORATIO

It would have much amazed you.

HAMLET

Very like, very like. Stay'd it long?

HORATIO

While one with moderate haste might tell a hundred.

MARCELLUS BERNARDO

Longer, longer.

HORATIO

Not when I saw't.

HAMLET

His beard was grizzled--no?

HORATIO

It was, as I have seen it in his life,
A sable silver'd.

HAMLET

I will watch to-night;
Perchance 'twill walk again.

HORATIO

I warrant it will.

HAMLET

If it assume my noble father's person,
I'll speak to it, though hell itself should gape
And bid me hold my peace. I pray you all,
If you have hitherto conceal'd this sight,
Let it be tenable in your silence still;
And whatsoever else shall hap to-night,
Give it an understanding, but no tongue:
I will requite your loves. So, fare you well:
Upon the platform, 'twixt eleven and twelve,
I'll visit you.

All

Our duty to your honour.

HAMLET

Your loves, as mine to you: farewell.

Exeunt all but HAMLET
My father's spirit in arms! all is not well;
I doubt some foul play: would the night were come!
Till then sit still, my soul: foul deeds will rise,
Though all the earth o'erwhelm them, to men's eyes.

Exit

I WILL DO THIS.

[Orodrist]

NOOOOO!!!!

Wait, isn't that the line the suicide bombers used in C?NC Generals.....

[Fred1000000]

Act 1, Scene 3

SCENE III. A room in Polonius' house.

Enter LAERTES and OPHELIA

LAERTES

My necessaries are embark'd: farewell:
And, sister, as the winds give benefit
And convoy is assistant, do not sleep,
But let me hear from you.

OPHELIA

Do you doubt that?

LAERTES

For Hamlet and the trifling of his favour,
Hold it a fashion and a toy in blood,
A violet in the youth of primy nature,
Forward, not permanent, sweet, not lasting,
The perfume and suppliance of a minute; No more.

OPHELIA

No more but so?

LAERTES

Think it no more;
For nature, crescent, does not grow alone
In thews and bulk, but, as this temple waxes,
The inward service of the mind and soul
Grows wide withal. Perhaps he loves you now,
And now no soil nor cautel doth besmirch
The virtue of his will: but you must fear,
His greatness weigh'd, his will is not his own;
For he himself is subject to his birth:
He may not, as unvalued persons do,
Carve for himself; for on his choice depends
The safety and health of this whole state;
And therefore must his choice be circumscribed
Unto the voice and yielding of that body
Whereof he is the head. Then if he says he loves you,
It fits your wisdom so far to believe it
As he in his particular act and place
May give his saying deed; which is no further
Than the main voice of Denmark goes withal.
Then weigh what loss your honour may sustain,
If with too credent ear you list his songs,
Or lose your heart, or your chaste treasure open
To his unmaster'd importunity.
Fear it, Ophelia, fear it, my dear sister,
And keep you in the rear of your affection,
Out of the shot and danger of desire.
The chariest maid is prodigal enough,
If she unmask her beauty to the moon:
Virtue itself 'scapes not calumnious strokes:
The canker galls the infants of the spring,
Too oft before their buttons be disclosed,
And in the morn and liquid dew of youth
Contagious blastments are most imminent.
Be wary then; best safety lies in fear:
Youth to itself rebels, though none else near.

OPHELIA

I shall the effect of this good lesson keep,
As watchman to my heart. But, good my brother,
Do not, as some ungracious pastors do,
Show me the steep and thorny way to heaven;
Whiles, like a puff'd and reckless libertine,
Himself the primrose path of dalliance treads,
And recks not his own rede.

LAERTES

O, fear me not.
I stay too long: but here my father comes.

Enter POLONIUS
A double blessing is a double grace,
Occasion smiles upon a second leave.

LORD POLONIUS

Yet here, Laertes! aboard, aboard, for shame!
The wind sits in the shoulder of your sail,
And you are stay'd for. There; my blessing with thee!
And these few precepts in thy memory
See thou character. Give thy thoughts no tongue,
Nor any unproportioned thought his act.
Be thou familiar, but by no means vulgar.
Those friends thou hast, and their adoption tried,
Grapple them to thy soul with hoops of steel;
But do not dull thy palm with entertainment
Of each new-hatch'd, unfledged comrade. Beware
Of entrance to a quarrel, but being in,
Bear't that the opposed may beware of thee.
Give every man thy ear, but few thy voice;
Take each man's censure, but reserve thy judgment.
Costly thy habit as thy purse can buy,
But not express'd in fancy; rich, not gaudy;
For the apparel oft proclaims the man,
And they in France of the best rank and station
Are of a most select and generous chief in that.
Neither a borrower nor a lender be;
For loan oft loses both itself and friend,
And borrowing dulls the edge of husbandry.
This above all: to thine ownself be true,
And it must follow, as the night the day,
Thou canst not then be false to any man.
Farewell: my blessing season this in thee!

LAERTES

Most humbly do I take my leave, my lord.

LORD POLONIUS

The time invites you; go; your servants tend.

LAERTES

Farewell, Ophelia; and remember well
What I have said to you.

OPHELIA

'Tis in my memory lock'd,
And you yourself shall keep the key of it.

LAERTES

Farewell.

Exit

LORD POLONIUS

What is't, Ophelia, be hath said to you?

OPHELIA

So please you, something touching the Lord Hamlet.

LORD POLONIUS

Marry, well bethought:
'Tis told me, he hath very oft of late
Given private time to you; and you yourself
Have of your audience been most free and bounteous:
If it be so, as so 'tis put on me,
And that in way of caution, I must tell you,
You do not understand yourself so clearly
As it behoves my daughter and your honour.
What is between you? give me up the truth.

OPHELIA

He hath, my lord, of late made many tenders
Of his affection to me.

LORD POLONIUS

Affection! pooh! you speak like a green girl,
Unsifted in such perilous circumstance.
Do you believe his tenders, as you call them?

OPHELIA

I do not know, my lord, what I should think.

LORD POLONIUS

Marry, I'll teach you: think yourself a baby;
That you have ta'en these tenders for true pay,
Which are not sterling. Tender yourself more dearly;
Or--not to crack the wind of the poor phrase,
Running it thus--you'll tender me a fool.

OPHELIA

My lord, he hath importuned me with love
In honourable fashion.

LORD POLONIUS

Ay, fashion you may call it; go to, go to.

OPHELIA

And hath given countenance to his speech, my lord,
With almost all the holy vows of heaven.

LORD POLONIUS

Ay, springes to catch woodcocks. I do know,
When the blood burns, how prodigal the soul
Lends the tongue vows: these blazes, daughter,
Giving more light than heat, extinct in both,
Even in their promise, as it is a-making,
You must not take for fire. From this time
Be somewhat scanter of your maiden presence;
Set your entreatments at a higher rate
Than a command to parley. For Lord Hamlet,
Believe so much in him, that he is young
And with a larger tether may he walk
Than may be given you: in few, Ophelia,
Do not believe his vows; for they are brokers,
Not of that dye which their investments show,
But mere implorators of unholy suits,
Breathing like sanctified and pious bawds,
The better to beguile. This is for all:
I would not, in plain terms, from this time forth,
Have you so slander any moment leisure,
As to give words or talk with the Lord Hamlet.
Look to't, I charge you: come your ways.

OPHELIA

I shall obey, my lord.

Exeunt

[Orodrist]

I'm just gonna post for no reason.

[GarthVader]

Omgosh!

[Orodrist]

"How can you shoot women or children?"

"Easy! Ya just don't lead 'em so much! Ain't war heck?"

[Lazarus]

No Laz...I am your father! I think...maybe...quite possibly...most likely... ...probably!

NOOO!!! NOOOOOOOOOOO!

Wait, that would be pretty cool actually.

Hi Dad!

[Chozon1]

I'm trying to decide if posting Shakesbeer was lame or epic.

We may have to go to the judges on this one...

[TripExistence]

epic.

most definitely epic.