Living a Crude Comedy Movie

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ArcticFox
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While the following post does not contain any profanity or graphic material, its content may not be suitable for all readers. You have been warned.

A couple of weeks ago I was driving up to PA with my son to start clearing out mom's apartment. It's about a 2 hour drive from the northern suburbs of DC to the small town she lived in. I had left that morning feeling a little uncomfortable in my abdominal region due to a not entirely healthy dinner I'd had the night before. I tried to take care of all of mother nature's needs before leaving my home but sometimes you just don't have to go.

So we're about halfway to our destination, chatting about Dungeons & Dragons (My son is an avid player, even moreso than I) when I felt I had to sneeze. I sneezed alright... but unfortunately the event took place on both ends.

My son didn't notice the sudden blank expression on my face as I realized what had just happened. Yeah. That. And I felt I'd gotten containment under control, but not before there was some... escape down there. I shifted in my seat to try and minimize the damage but I was certain I'd be leaving my underpants in a trash can somewhere in a gas station along the route.

So I remained as nonchalant as I could, continuing the D&D conversation while trying not to visualize what had happened in my seat. Finally, I saw an exit with signs indicating a gas station. I took the exit and pulled into a little gas station with mini-mart to refuel the car and take care of my problem.

With what dignity I could muster, I walked slowly to the mini-mart leaving my son to gas up the car. I made my way to the back to the shop and found the men's room...

... with an "out of order" sign on it.

And that's when panic set in. I couldn't go any further. There was still a slight chance I hadn't ruined my underpants but getting back in the car would do it for sure... and there was no other venue in easy walking distance. Using that bathroom anyway was out of the question, so I chose the only option remaining to me. The ladies' room. I actually felt like I'd seen this very scenario in a few crude comedies before.

So I go in, and luckily it was the single occupant type where you lock the door. I locked the door and noticed that, at least in this case, the ladies' room was exactly the same as what I'd expect from a mens' room. (Except that this one was probably cleaner.) I sat down to take care of things, and found to my relief that my underpants were just fine. (The one good thing in this story.)

I'd been in there about 2 minutes when someone started trying the doorknob. I went as fast as I could, but I do try to be a very clean person and cleanliness cannot be rushed. I did finally have the bio-event I'd needed and the room smelled awful, but hey, better out than in, right?

Someone tried the door again.

At this point I decided I'd better just get out of there before I started making enemies, so I got up, washed my hands and opened the door...

... there was a small line of women waiting to get in there.

What does one do when they're a guy, standing in the open doorway of a ladies' room in a tiny gas station in rural Maryland, with the terrible stench of the bathroom behind him?

Own it, of course.

So I squared my shoulders, mouthed an "I'm sorry" to the first woman in line (who was giving me quite the evil look) and walk out of there with my head held high. Of course, by the time I got outside and was heading to my car, I felt like a bankrobber rushing to the getaway car, like I should be sprinting and waving frantically to the driver "GO GO GO GO GO!!!!!!" I was driving that day, but I think my son sensed the need to escape the area and quickly got into the passenger's seat when he saw me coming.

There's no moral to this story, no lesson to be learned. Except, perhaps... Keep a spare set of underwear in your car, just in case.
"He who takes offense when no offense is intended is a fool, and he who takes offense when offense is intended is a greater fool."
—Brigham Young

"Don't take refuge in the false security of consensus."
—Christopher Hitchens
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ccgr
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Entertaining, I would have done the same
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ArchAngel
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You should have rolled a Charisma or Disguise check on leaving. Literally, roll a d20 out the door first, and if it's sufficiently high, walking out and try to pass as a woman.
Pew Pew Pew. Science.

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ArcticFox
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Hopefully I'm enough of a manly man that I'd need a natural 20 to pass that roll... :mrgreen:
"He who takes offense when no offense is intended is a fool, and he who takes offense when offense is intended is a greater fool."
—Brigham Young

"Don't take refuge in the false security of consensus."
—Christopher Hitchens
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ArchAngel
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I assumed that much.
Pew Pew Pew. Science.

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Chozon1
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I'm sorry man. XD

I think I would've just sat on a plastic bag until I got to my destination though.
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