The Joke Thread

[LordTitan]

Why did the chicken cross the playground? To get to the other slide!

[Xremmus]

What do you call a soldier who survived mustard gas and pepper spray is a well seasoned Veteran!

[Splash5w]

I'm not good at jokes but..

Why did the chicken cross the road:
To get to the other side

I'm not much of a joke person, so I only remember the basic joke I learned growing up..

[Az3rT]

Mundo told me a joke once, but it was to cleaver for me and sometimes volibear tells me jokes, but I bearly get them

[Dragongirl430]

I have no good jokes mehhh D:

[pmc311]

This Server! jk I can't wait too join this is gunna be fun

[ccgr]

An Englishman, a Scotsman, an Irishman, a Welshman, a Latvian, a Turk, a German, an Indian, several Americans (including a Hawaiian and an Alaskan), an Argentinean, a Dane, an Australian, a Slovak, an Egyptian, a Japanese, a Moroccan, a Frenchman, a New Zealander, a Spaniard, a Russian, a Guatemalan, a Colombian, a Pakistani, a Malaysian, a Croatian, a Uzbek, a Cypriot, a Pole, a Lithuanian, a Chinese, a Sri Lankan, a Lebanese, a Cayman Islander, a Ugandan, a Vietnamese, a Korean, a Uruguayan, a Czech, an Icelander, a Mexican, a Finn, a Honduran, a Panamanian, an Andorran, an Israeli, a Venezuelan, an Iranian, a Fijian, a Peruvian, an Estonian, a Syrian, a Brazilian, a Portuguese, a Liechtensteiner, a Mongolian, a Hungarian, a Canadian, a Moldovan, a Haitian, a Norfolk Islander, a Macedonian, a Bolivian, a Cook Islander, a Tajikistani, a Samoan, an Armenian, an Aruban, an Albanian, a Greenlander, a Micronesian, a Virgin Islander, a Georgian, a Bahaman, a Belarusian, a Cuban, a Tongan, a Cambodian, a Canadian, a Qatari, an Azerbaijani, a Romanian, a Chilean, a Jamaican, a Filipino, a Ukrainian, a Dutchman, a Ecuadorian, a Costa Rican, a Swede, a Bulgarian, a Serb, a Swiss, a Greek, a Belgian, a Singaporean, an Italian, a Norwegian and 2 Africans,

... walk into a fine restaurant.

"I'm sorry," says the maître d', after scrutinizing the group...



"You can't come in here without a Thai."

[chopchop2007]

Once there was a mom tomato a dad tomato and a baby tomato.
The baby got left behind, the dad walked up to the baby and stepped on him and said ketchup.

[ArcticFox]

Somebody's been watching Pulp Fiction.

[ccgr]

thery're too young for it, but they enjoyed the joke regardless

[biddie15]

There was this guy who walked into a Taco Bell for a quick bit to eat. In his wallet there is a $50 bill and a $2 bill. That is all the cash he had on his person. he figured that with a $2 bill, he could get something to eat and not have to worry about people getting upset with him.

Guy: "Hi, I'd like one seven layer burrito please, to go."

Worker: "Is that it?"

Guy: "Yep."

Worker: "That'll be $1.04, eat here?'

Guy: "No, its *to* *go*."

At this point he the guy opens his wallet and hands the worker the $2 bill. The worker looks at it funny and says

Worker: "Uh, hang on a sec, I'll be right back."

He goes to talk to his manager, who is still within earshot. The following conversation occurs between the two of them.

Worker: "Hey, you ever see a $2 bill?"

Manager: "No, A what?"

Worker: "A $2 bill. This guy just gave it to me."

Manager: "Ask for something else, there's no such thing as a $2 bill."

Worker: Yeah, thought so."

He comes back to the guy and says

Worker: "We don't take these. Do you have anything else?"

Guy: "Just a fifty. You don't take $2 bills? Why?"

Worker: "I don't know."

Guy: "See here where is says legal tender?"

Worker: "Yeah."

Guy: "So shouldn't you take it?"

Worker: "Well, hang on a sec."

Worker goes back to his manager who is watching the guy like he's going to shoplift, and...

Worker: "He says I have to take it."

Manager: "Doesn't he have anything else?"

Worker: "Yeah a fifty. I'll get it and you can open the safe and get the change."

Manager: I'm not opening the safe with him here!"

Worker: "What should I do?"

Manager "Tell him to come back later when he has real money."

Worker: "I can't tell him that, you tell him."

Manager: "Just tell him."

Worker: No way, this is weird, I'm going in back."

The manager approaches the guy and says

Manager: "Sorry, we don't take big bills this time of night."

[It was 8pm and this particular Taco Bell is in a well lighted indoor mall with 100 other stores.]

Guy: "Well, here's a two."

Manager: "We don't take *those* either."

Guy: "Why not?"

Manager: "I think you *know* why."

Guy "No really, tell me, Why?"

Manager: lease leave before I call mall security."

Guy: "What for?"

Manager: "Please, sir."

Guy: "Uh, go ahead, call them."

Manager: "Would you please just leave?"

Guy: "No."

Manager: "Fine, have it your way then."

Guy: "No, that's Burger King, isn't it?"

At this point the manager backs away from the guy and calls mall security on the phone around the corner. The guy has two people staring at him from the dining area, and the guy just begins laughing out loud, just for effect. A few minutes later this 45 year oldish guy comes in and says [at the other end of the counter, in a whisper]

Security Guard: "Yeah, Mike, What's up?"

Manager: "This guy is trying to give me some [pause] funny money."

Security Guard: "Really? What?"

Manager: "Get this, a *two* dollar bill."

Security Guard: "Why would a guy fake a $2 bill?" [incredulous]

Manager: "I don't know? He's kinda weird. Says the only other thing he has is a fifty."

Security Guard: "So, the fifty is fake?"

Manager: "NO, the $2 is."

Security Guard: "Why would he fake a $2 bill?"

Manager: "I don't know. Can you talk to him, and get him out of here?"

Security Guard: "Yeah...."

Security guard walks over to the guy and says....

Security Guard: "Mike here tells me you have some fake bills you're trying to use."

Guy: "Uh, no."

Security Guard: "Lemme see `em."

Guy: "Why?"

Security Guard: "Do you want me to get the cops in here?"

At this point the guy was ready to say, sure, please!" but He wanted to eat, so he said

Guy: I'm just trying to buy a burrito and pay for it with this $2 bill."

The guy put the bill up near the security guards face, and he flinches like the guy was taking a swing at him. He takes the bill, turns is over a few times in his hands, and says:

Security Guard: :Mike, whats wrong with this bill?"

Manager: "Its fake."

Security Guard: "It doesn't look fake to me."

Manager: But it's a **$2** bill."

Security Guard: "Yeah?"

Manager: "Well, there's no such thing, is there?"

The security guard and the guy both looked at the manager like he was an idiot, and it dawned on the guy that he had no clue.

The guy got a free burrito and a free drink and those cinnamon things, too.

What the guy was thinking at that time ---> Makes me want to get a whole stack of $2 bills just to see what happens when I try to buy stuff. ha ha

[OakFireball34]

knock knock
who's there?
boo
boo who?
ohhh don't be scared

[ccgr]

The frozen carburetor ...
People often complain about the police, but you rarely hear about the positive
things they do, such as this incident involving a biker and a frozen carburetor.
Last January on a bitterly cold winter's day, a North Dakota State Trooper on
patrol came upon a motorcyclist who was stalled by the roadside. The biker was
swathed in heavy protective clothing and wearing a full-face helmet to protect
the face from the cold weather.
“What’s the matter? asked the Trooper
"Carburetor's frozen," was the terse reply.
"Pee on it. That'll thaw it out."
"I can't," said the biker.
"OK, watch me closely and I'll show you." The Trooper unzipped and promptly
warmed the carburetor as promised.
Moments later the bike started and the rider drove off, waving.
A few days later, the local State Troopers’ office received a note of thanks from
the father of the motorcyclist.
It began: "On behalf of my daughter Jill..."

[ArcticFox]

O_o

[ccgr]

New Home Security System

Took down our Rebel flag and peeled the NRA sticker
off the front door. We've disconnected our home alarm
system and quit our Neighborhood Watch.

Bought two Pakistani flags on eBay and raised them in
the front yard, one at each corner, plus a black flag of
ISIS in the center.

Now, the local police, sheriff, FBI, CIA, NSA, Homeland
Security, Secret Service and other agencies are all watching
the house 24/7.

I've never felt safer and we're saving $49.95 a month!
Finally some return on our tax dollars!