The Joke Thread

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WiseGirl13
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Re: The Joke Thread

Postby WiseGirl13 » Fri Nov 11, 2016 9:49 pm

So, a man died and went to heaven. the first thing he saw was an angel standing next to hi, and a huge wall of clocks right in front of him. He asked the angel what th clocks were for, and he said, "Every person has a clock, and every time they tell a lie, their clocks hands move forward an hour."
The man asked, "Oh, wheres Abraham Lincolns Clock?" The Angel said, "Oh, thats way up at the top of the wall, it hs only ticked once, so we put it up there because we don't want people to feel bad." The man asked, "where is Hillary Clintons Clock?" The angel say, "Oh, thats in Jesus' office, he's using it as a ceiling fan."

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Re: The Joke Thread

Postby ThreePistons » Tue Nov 15, 2016 5:32 pm

How do you tell the gender of a chromosome?
Spoiler:
You pull down it's genes!

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Re: The Joke Thread

Postby ZanySauce » Wed Nov 30, 2016 4:48 pm

Two blind men walk into a bar.

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Re: The Joke Thread

Postby Olafogus » Sat Dec 03, 2016 8:43 pm

I was once with a couple of friends and we were just hanging out. I looked at my watch and took it off and asked if someone could watch it for me.

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Re: The Joke Thread

Postby Arabella_ » Fri Dec 09, 2016 3:49 pm

Have I told you this deja vu joke before?

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Re: The Joke Thread

Postby Absentt » Tue Dec 20, 2016 5:43 am

A boy was sitting on a park bench with one hand resting on an open Bible. He was loudly exclaiming his praise to God. "Hallelujah! Hallelujah! God is great!" he yelled without worrying whether anyone heard him or not. Shortly after, along came a man who had recently completed some studies at a local university. Feeling himself very enlightened in the ways of truth and very eager to show this enlightenment, he asked the boy about the source of his joy. "Hey" asked the boy in return with a bright laugh, "Don't you have any idea what God is able to do? I just read that God opened up the waves of the Red Sea and led the whole nation of Israel right through the middle." The enlightened man laughed lightly, sat down next to the boy and began to try to open his eyes to the "realities" of the miracles of the Bible. "That can all be very easily explained. Modern scholarship has shown that the Red Sea in that area was only 10-inches deep at that time. It was no problem for the Israelites to wade across." The boy was stumped. His eyes wandered from the man back to the Bible laying open in his lap. The man, content that he had enlightened a poor, naive young person to the finer points of scientific insight, turned to go. Scarcely had he taken two steps when the boy began to rejoice and praise louder than before. The man turned to ask the reason for this resumed jubilation. "Wow!" exclaimed the boy happily, "God is greater than I thought! Not only did He lead the whole nation of Israel through the Red Sea, He topped it off by drowning the whole Egyptian army in 10 inches of water!"

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Re: The Joke Thread

Postby ccgr » Mon Dec 26, 2016 3:28 pm

A woman goes to the post office to buy stamps for her Christmas cards.

Clerk: What denomination do you want?

Woman: Oh, good heavens! Have we come to this? Well, give me 50 Catholic and 50 Baptist ones.

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ZappierVirus
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Re: The Joke Thread

Postby ZappierVirus » Mon Dec 26, 2016 4:26 pm

LOL :lol: :lol: :lol:
Creepers + Boom Slimes = Big Crater
Minecrafting all the time!
I post too much.

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Re: The Joke Thread

Postby Justice30 » Tue Dec 27, 2016 12:37 pm

What do you call a cow with no legs?

Ground beef!

What do you call a cow with only two legs?

Lean Beef!

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pokeperson
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Re: The Joke Thread

Postby pokeperson » Wed Dec 28, 2016 9:54 am

Two peanuts walk into a bar. One was a salted (assaulted, get it?).

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Re: The Joke Thread

Postby 1faz11 » Thu Dec 29, 2016 4:12 pm

What do you call a pig that does Karate?
Spoiler:
Pork Chop

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Re: The Joke Thread

Postby Xaicious » Fri Dec 30, 2016 3:07 pm

A panda walks into the bar and orders a meal. He sits down and eats the meal. Upon finishing the meal, he immediately gets up and heads for the door. Just before he pushes open the door to leave, he turns around holding a revolver in each paw and ends up unloading the entire clips of both guns in random directions in the restaurant. He then quietly walks out the door.

The manager picks himself off the floor, and looking around says "why did he do that." An employee who happened to have a dictionary on them opened it up to Panda, where the definition read:

Panda.
A mammal related to bear. Diet. IT EATS, CHUTES AND LEAVES.

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Re: The Joke Thread

Postby Sintinium » Fri Dec 30, 2016 3:09 pm

What's big green and if it fell out of a tree it would kill you?

A pool table!

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Re: The Joke Thread

Postby trobl » Sat Dec 31, 2016 9:44 pm

Why was six afraid of seven because seven eight nine

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Re: The Joke Thread

Postby Jeda » Thu Jan 05, 2017 8:47 pm

"I ate some worry free gum, but i was still worried." --Mitch Hedberg


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