The Joke Thread

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Re: The Joke Thread

Postby Chozon1 » Mon Apr 18, 2016 6:16 am

See, that's ironic; I first read the phrase in a "Hank the Cowdog" book when I was about thirteen. XD
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Re: The Joke Thread

Postby Deepfreeze32 » Mon Apr 18, 2016 6:36 am

Now things have gotten really weird.

I read Hank the Cowdog as a kid. I do not remember that phrase in the slightest. Maybe it went over my head then too. XD

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Re: The Joke Thread

Postby Chozon1 » Mon Apr 18, 2016 6:57 am

It was in one of the newer books; not as good as the classics, but still very readable. Hank had swallowed a fish hook and in the process of trying to make him vomit it up, the cowhand made himself 'call earl'.

Now if you'll excuse me, I need to go be a nostalgic emo kid for like...twenty minutes. There will be tears.
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Re: The Joke Thread

Postby Yantelope » Tue Apr 19, 2016 9:50 pm

One day sadly the hunchback of Notre Dame died. The priest held tryouts for somebody take over for the hunchback ringing the church bell. A man with no arms showed up.

"How can you ring the bell with no arms?" The priest asked.

"Like this" the man said and he smashed his head into the bell producing an exquisite sound. The priest was impressed and hired him immediately.

A few weeks into the job the man misjudged the bell as it was swinging away from him, lost his balance and fell to his death. The congregation heard the news and asked the priest. "Who was this man."

The priest answered. "He never told me his name, BUT HIS FACE RINGS A BELL."

At the funeral amother man looking identical to the first introduced himself to the priest. "I can take over for my departed twin brother" he said. Feeling sorry for the man, the priest gave him the job.

A few weeks later, sadly, the brother fell to his death. Great concern struck the congregation. "Who was this man?" they asked.

"He also didn't tell me his name." Said the priest. "BUT HE'S A DEAD RINGER FOR HIS BROTHER."
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Re: 15 posting suggestions to get started

Postby LooseBeardsly » Mon Apr 25, 2016 12:45 am

why did the chicken cross the road?
because it wanted to get to the other side.

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Re: The Joke Thread

Postby BlockHeadLewie » Mon Apr 25, 2016 11:49 pm

A rich man and a poor man both died on the same day. They approach the pearly gates and Saint Peter meets them with a smile.
He opens the gates for the rich man and they enter in and there is a large party being held in the rich man's honor.
About half an hour later Saint Peter remembers the poor man is still waiting so he heads off to gather him in.
As they enter, the poor man notices the party. "How come I don't get a party?"
Saint Peter laughs and replies, "Well we always get poor people in Heaven but it's not very often we get a rich man!"

Peace!
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If God is my Pilot and fully in control of the flight, I guess that makes me a Steward on the plane. How may I serve you?

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Re: The Joke Thread

Postby ZappierVirus » Tue Apr 26, 2016 1:00 am

LOL! :lol: :lol: :lol:
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Re: The Joke Thread

Postby ArcticFox » Thu May 05, 2016 2:12 pm

My daughter texted me this one last night...

Who built King Arthur's Round Table?
Spoiler:
Sir Cumference!
"He who takes offense when no offense is intended is a fool, and he who takes offense when offense is intended is a greater fool."
—Brigham Young

"Don't take refuge in the false security of consensus."
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Re: The Joke Thread

Postby ZappierVirus » Thu May 05, 2016 3:16 pm

LOL!
Creepers + Boom Slimes = Big Crater
Minecrafting all the time!
I post too much.

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Re: The Joke Thread

Postby ClaireDaAngel » Sun May 22, 2016 4:47 pm

Q: Why was the math book sad?
A: Because It had to many problems!

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Re: The Joke Thread

Postby ccgr » Sun May 22, 2016 8:42 pm

Bowling Teams
The Brunette and the Blonde Bowling teams were heading to the bowling alley on a two decker bus.
The Brunette team down below really whooped it up, having a great time, when one of them realized she hadn't heard anything from the Blondes upstairs.
She decided to go up and investigate.

When the Brunette reached the top, she found all the Blondes in fear, staring straight ahead at the road, clutching the seats in front of them with white knuckles.
The brunette asked, 'What the heck's going on up here? We're having a great time downstairs!'

One of the Blondes looked up at her, swallowed hard and whispered...

'YEAH, BUT YOU'VE GOT A DRIVER!'

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Re: The Joke Thread

Postby TalonoftheEagle » Tue May 24, 2016 2:59 am

This thread seems to have a remarkable deficiency of "Mathematician, Physicist, and Engineer" jokes. I guess I'll have to fix that.

A mathematician, a physicist, and and engineer are attending a convention together, and decide to share a hotel room to split the cost. After a long day, the three of them get back to their room and all promptly fall asleep.
Around midnight, a fire breaks out in the wastebasket. The physicist wakes up, looks at the fire, and says "Problem exists." He then promptly falls back asleep.
Next the mathematician wakes up. He looks at the fire, and says "Problem exists." He looks around and sees a bucket in the corner, and the faucet in the bathroom. He says "Solution exists." and goes back to sleep.
A minute later, the engineer wakes up, fills the bucket from the faucet, puts out the fire, and then goes back to bed.



A mathematician, a physicist, and an engineer are riding a train through Scotland, when they see a black sheep through the window.
"Look, the sheep in Scotland are black!" says the engineer.
"You mean, ONE sheep in Scotland is black" corrects the physicist.
The mathematician cuts in, "No, no, no. All we can say with certainty is that in Scotland, there exists at least one sheep, at least one SIDE of which is black."


A psychologist decides to perform a study on the differences in how various professionals think. She recruits a mathematician (a topologist, to be precise), a physicist, and an engineer for her study, and locks each one in a room with one can of food, but no can opener. The next day, she comes around and checks each of the rooms to see how its occupant is doing.
First, she checks on the engineer. The walls of his room are covered with dents, and he is happily scraping the last of the food from the can. When questioned, he explained, "I'm a materials guy. I knew the material of the can wouldn't hold up to repeated stress, so I threw it against the wall until it broke open."
The psychologist then goes to the physicist's room. Equations are scribbled all over the walls, there is a single enormous dent in one wall, and the physicist is happily scraping the last of the food from his can. He explains, "I computed the optimal angle and velocity for the can to break upon collision with the wall. I then threw the can at the wall in such a was as to achieve those, and broke it open."
Finally, she goes to the mathematician's room. There are equations scribbled over every bit of the walls. The can is sitting in the middle of the room, unopened. The mathematician is nowhere to be seen. However, there are some strange noises coming from inside the can. So the psychologist gets her can opener and opens the can. The mathematician crawls out, looks around at his equations on the walls, and says,
"Hmmm... I must have gotten a sign wrong somewhere."

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Re: The Joke Thread

Postby ajdragondancer » Tue May 24, 2016 10:37 pm

Here is a list of really awesome Biology jokes
1. You mean you don't want to hear a plant joke? What's stomata with you?
2. If a plant is sad do other plants photosympathize with it?
3. Biology- the only place where multiplication and division mean the same thing.
4. You must be the one for me because my selectively permeable membrane let you through.
5. These biology jokes keep getting cornea and cornea.
6. What did one cell say to his sister cell that stepped on his toe? MITOSIS!

That is all have for now..... you must be a protein that allosterically regulates CDK beacuse you've been cyclin through my brain all day... yeah that one probably overdid it....

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Re: The Joke Thread

Postby TalonoftheEagle » Tue May 24, 2016 11:09 pm

Haha! Those are some good ones. However, I think your #3 can be improved:
Biology: The one place where multiplication, division, and differentiation all mean the same thing.

And this one's really bad, but I can't resist:
What did they do with the mentally unstable plant? They sent him to the xylem.

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Re: The Joke Thread

Postby BlockHeadLewie » Fri May 27, 2016 11:35 pm

Most of you know my semi-addiction to Minecraft.
Everyone knows my name, it's displayed with every one of my posts.
I ran across this little picture and have to share:
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If God is my Pilot and fully in control of the flight, I guess that makes me a Steward on the plane. How may I serve you?


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