The Joke Thread

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ArcticFox
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Re: The Joke Thread

Postby ArcticFox » Wed Oct 07, 2015 2:15 pm

Brilliant.
"He who takes offense when no offense is intended is a fool, and he who takes offense when offense is intended is a greater fool."
—Brigham Young

"Don't take refuge in the false security of consensus."
—Christopher Hitchens

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Re: The Joke Thread

Postby Chewie41 » Wed Oct 07, 2015 4:32 pm

Why did the TV cross the road?

Because it wanted a flat screen.

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Re: The Joke Thread

Postby ccgr » Thu Oct 08, 2015 12:49 pm

Trump and the Queen

A private jet arrives at Heathrow international airport and Donald Trump strides to a waiting limousine which drives him to a warm and dignified reception from the Queen. From there, they are driven in a 1934 Bentley to the edge of central London where they change to a magnificent 17th century carriage hitched to six white horses.

They continue on towards Buckingham Palace waving to the thousands of cheering Britons; all is going well.

Suddenly, the right rear horse lets fly with the most horrendous earth-shattering fart ever heard in the British Empire. The fart shakes the coach. The smell is atrocious! Both passengers in the carriage must use perfume-dipped handkerchiefs over their nose, but the two do their best to ignore the incident.

The Queen turns to Trump saying, "Mr. Trump, please accept my regrets. I am sure you understand there are some things that even a Queen cannot control."

Trump, with his usual diplomatic aplomb, replied, "Your Majesty, do not give the matter another thought. Until you mentioned it, I thought it was one of the horses.

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Re: The Joke Thread

Postby captinbloks » Sat Oct 10, 2015 7:23 pm

Funny jokes everyone! I've got one of my own:

The Drawing

A kindergarten teacher was observing her classroom of children as they drew. She would occasionally walk around to see each child’s artwork. As she came around to one little girl, who was working diligently, she asked what the drawing was.

The little girl replied, “I’m drawing God.”

The teacher paused and said, “But no one knows what God looks like.”

Without missing a beat, or looking up from her drawing, the girl replied, “They will in a minute.”

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Muddy56
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Re: The Joke Thread

Postby Muddy56 » Mon Oct 19, 2015 12:18 am

This is more of a riddle.
There are 30 cows in a field, and 28 chickens. How many didn't?
Read the statement aloud and you'll notice it sounds like this. "There are 30 cows in a field, and 20 ate chickens. How many didn't? 10!

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bmanyugioh
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Re: The Joke Thread

Postby bmanyugioh » Mon Oct 19, 2015 2:16 pm

An old one I read on the linuxquestions forum :lol:

What if toasters had Operating Systems?

a) Windows toaster:
The windows toaster looks nice, but sometimes it just won't make toast, it
either comes out burnt or raw, or it stops half way through. also, you
have to unplug the toaster, plug it back in again, and wait 5 minutes each
time you want to try and make some toast. For every loaf of bread you buy,
you are forced to buy a license for a new toaster to go with it, and you will
get sued if you let someone else have some of your toast.

b) MAC toaster
The MAC toaster has no settings or controls and it looks very stylish, but
will only accept proprietary size bread which can only be bought from
Apple main dealers at 10 times the price of regular bread. If it breaks
you will have to ship it to a licensed repair shop for service. The toast is
fine except that the size of the bread is so odd, you can't actually eat
the toast it produces, although it does look good.

c) Linux toaster.
The linux toaster looks awful, it has wires crimped together hanging out
of it, and pieces grafted from other toasters. the first time you make
toast with it it burns it, the next time its raw, but after you read the
man pages and invoke the command line, toast -verbose -breadsize 50132
-eject -o z3321 > /dev/toast | more, and it makes perfect toast forever
and never breaks.

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ccgr
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Re: The Joke Thread

Postby ccgr » Tue Oct 20, 2015 1:53 pm

very true, love it!

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Re: The Joke Thread

Postby sugar_cane_gang » Wed Oct 21, 2015 3:10 am

Why did the absent-minded student put glue on his head.


The reason,because he thought it would help things stick.

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Re: The Joke Thread

Postby aimbeau » Tue Nov 03, 2015 12:32 am

legoman752003's joke:
What did the ocean say to the beach?
Nothing. It just waved.

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Re: The Joke Thread

Postby Glorious King » Wed Nov 04, 2015 3:02 pm

Q: What did zero say to the number eight?
A: Nice belt.

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Re: Minecraft Server Rules

Postby DiamondMiner_86 » Thu Nov 12, 2015 2:12 am

11 I like laughing and like to watch funny videos. Why is 6 afraid of 7? Because 7, 8, 9

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Re: The Joke Thread

Postby StampysBud2015 » Fri Nov 13, 2015 4:31 pm

What do you get if you cross a refrigerator and a radio?
COOL MUSIC

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Re: The Joke Thread

Postby Gargo9 » Sat Nov 14, 2015 3:28 am

What do Sharks put on their toast??

JELLY FISH :D


I heard this one from my friend Brooke a long time ago.

Margo

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Re: The Joke Thread

Postby miawiepup » Sun Nov 15, 2015 12:35 am

A boy asks his father
-Daddy, when I grow up can I marry grandma?
-Of course not, replied the father
-Why not? The boy asks
-Because Grandma is my mother and you can't marry my mother
The boy replies
- then why did you marry mine?

:lol:

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Re: The Joke Thread

Postby purplepig01 » Sat Nov 28, 2015 1:50 am

Knock knock

Who's there?

Cindy Loo

Cindy Loo Who?

Exactly!

lol :D :D :) :)


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