The Joke Thread

[ccgr]

A Catholic Priest, a Baptist Preacher and a Rabbi all served as Chaplains to
the students of Northern Michigan University at Marquette in the Upper
Peninsula of Michigan. They would get together two or three times a week
for coffee and to talk shop.

One day, someone made the comment that preaching to people isn't really all
that difficult, and that a real challenge would be to preach to a bear.

One thing led to another, and they decided to do an experiment. They would
all go out into the woods, find a bear, preach to it, and attempt to convert
it to their religion.

Seven days later, they all came together to discuss their experiences:

Father Flannery, who had his arm in a sling, was on crutches, and had
various bandages on his body and limbs, went first.

'Well,' he said, 'I went into the woods to find me a bear. And when I found
him, I began to read to him from the Catechism. Well, that bear wanted
nothing to do with me and began to slap me around. So I quickly grabbed my
holy water, sprinkled him and, Holy Mary Mother of God, he became as gentle
as a lamb. The Bishop is coming out next week to give him his first
communion and confirmation.'

Reverend Billy Bob the Baptist spoke next. He was in a wheelchair, had one
arm and both legs in casts, and had an IV drip.

In his best fire-and-brimstone oratory, the Preacher exclaimed, 'WELL,
brothers, you KNOW that we Baptists don't sprinkle! I went out and I FOUND
me a bear. And then I began to read to my bear from God's HOLY WORD!

But that bear wanted nothing to do with me.

So I took HOLD of him and we began to wrestle. We wrestled down one hill, UP
another and DOWN another until we came to a creek. So I quickly DUNKED him
and BAPTIZED his hairy soul. And just like you said, he became as gentle as
a lamb. We spent the rest of the day praising Jesus. Hallelujah!

The Priest and the Preacher both looked down at the Rabbi, who was lying in
a hospital bed. He was in a body cast and traction with IVs and monitors
running in and out of him.

He was in really bad shape.

The Rabbi looked up and said: "Looking back on it, the best way to start
may not have been circumcision."

[ArcticFox]

I love that joke.

[bubbzilla]

What two object bark?

dogs and trees

[ArcticFox]

True story reported by an English guy who was stopped and asked to give a breathaliser test.
The English guy lives near Le Bugue in the Dordogne and at the time he was stopped he was “4 sheets to the wind”...

The gendarme signals to him to roll down the window then asks him if he has been drinking, and with a slurring speech the English guy replies; 'Yes, this morning I was at my (hic)..daughter's wedding, and as I don't like church much I went to the cafe opposite and had several beers.'
'Then during the wedding banquet I seem to remember downing three great bottles of wine; (hic)... a corbieres, a Minervois and (hic)...a Faugeres.'
'Then to finish off during the celebrations.... and (hic) during the evening ...me and my mate downed two bottles of Johnny Walker's black label.'
Getting impatient the gendarme warns him; 'Do you understand I'm a policeman and have stopped you for an alcohol test'?

Spoiler:

The Englishman with a grin on his face replies; 'Do you understand that I'm English, just like my car, and that my wife is sitting in the other seat, at the steering wheel?'

[ccgr]

nice one!

[ccgr]

Got this in my e-mail

"One day, while a woodcutter was cutting a branch of a tree above a river, his axe fell into the river. When he cried out, the Lord appeared and asked, "Why are you crying?"

The woodcutter replied that his axe has fallen into water, and he needed the axe to make his living.

The Lord went down into the water and reappeared with a golden axe. "Is this your axe?" the Lord asked.

The woodcutter replied, "No."

The Lord again went down and came up with a silver Axe. "Is this your axe?" the Lord asked.

Again, the woodcutter replied, "No."

The Lord went down again and came up with an iron Axe. "Is this your axe?" the Lord asked.

The woodcutter replied, "Yes."

The Lord was pleased with the man's honesty and gave him all three axes to keep, and the woodcutter went home happy.

Some time later the woodcutter was walking with his wife along the riverbank, and his wife fell into the river. When he cried out, the Lord again appeared and asked him, "Why are you crying?"

"Oh Lord, my wife has fallen into the water!"

The Lord went down into the water and came up with ANGELINA JOLIE "Is this your wife?" the Lord asked.

"Yes," cried the woodcutter.

The Lord was furious. "You lied! That is an untruth!"

The woodcutter replied, "Oh, forgive me, my Lord. It is a misunderstanding. You see, if I had said 'no' to ANGELINA JOLIE , You would have come up with CAMERON DIAZ . Then if I said 'no' to her, you would have come up with my wife . Had I then said 'yes,' you would have given me all three. Lord, I am a poor man, and am not able to take care of all three wives, so THAT'S why I said yes to ANGELINA JOLIE ."

[ArcticFox]

noice

[kiasam]

What do you call exploding underwear?
Fruit of the Boom!
LOL

[baconisgood23]

A man went to an antiques store and found a lamp. When he rubbed it, a genie appeared. Them man was extremely excited. "So, I summoned you, I get three wishes, right?" he asked the genie. The genie replied, "If I could grant wishes, do you think I'd be living in a dusty old lamp?"

[LAVA89]

Haha, that's perfect timing for me to post mine:

Aladdin: "Tell me, princess, now when did you last let your heart decide?"
Jasmine: "Hmm, last week at HomeTown Buffet".

[greenbeans2002]

Jack said " Knock Knock" Billy said "Whos there?" Jack said "impatient cow" Billy says "Impatient cow" "MOOO" says jack.

[ArcticFox]

What did the green grape say to the purple grape?

Spoiler:

Breathe, you idiot!

[ccgr]

A couple were Christmas shopping. The shopping center was packed - as the wife walked through one of the malls she was surprised when she looked around to find that her husband was nowhere to be seen.
She was quite upset because they had a lot to do. She became so worried that she called him on her mobile phone to ask him where he was. In a quiet voice he said, "Do you remember the jewelers we went into about five years
ago where you fell in love with that diamond necklace that we couldn't afford, and I told you that I would get it for you one day?" The wife choked up and started to cry and said, "Yes, I do remember that shop."
He replied, "Well, I'm in the pub next door."

[ccgr]

A testimony to true friendship is...

A man brings his best buddy home for dinner unannounced at 5:30 after work.

His wife begins screaming at him and his friend just sits and listens in.

"My hair & makeup are not done, the house is a mess, the dishes are not done, I'm still in my pajamas and I can't be bothered with cooking tonight! What the heck did you bring him home for?"

"Because he's thinking of getting married."

[ArcticFox]

Zing!