whee.

[Chozon1]

Lame pants dude...Praying for ye.

[ChickenSoup]

praying

[TripExistence]

Dear God,

You are the author of the now and the future. You're compassionate enough for the least of these, big enough to mask every complication. You are the lamp at my feet, the light unto my path. You will never fail me. Your righteous right hand has the strength to uphold me through trials, through the egregious mistakes of my own wrongdoing. Your grace and mercy is enough to fill me; your blood runs freely to wash me in the power of your purity. Your ways are not my ways, your ways are so much higher, so much holier than any of my earthly imaginings. The light of your eternity shines so much brighter than the stain of guilt and sin. Take your holy pen to my life, write the pages to a story that you want to read. I offer myself completely to you and I will do it in the ecstasy of fulfillment as well as any valley of my depression.

It is I, o God, who has forsaken you in the moment of my weakness, the period of most struggle. Hear my cry, drain my tears away from earthly sorrows to weep at the power of your glory, the sufferings of your people.

In the name of the saving Christ, ruler of my life and servant to all, amen.

Guys. Please still be praying.

[Blue]

I'll continue praying for you.

[ccgr]

praying

[Chozon1]

Still praying dude.

[TripExistence]

Hey guys, it's me again.

This is a different issue than the one that's been brought up in the thread, but I didn't feel like making a new topic. I apologize for the wall of text that's about to make its way into the forum. I hope it's not too dramatic, I just feel like venting and this seems like an alright place to do it.

To be honest, I'm pretty miserable right now,, and have been for awhile. Work is fine, friends are fine, but I just end up feeling sad all the time, for multiple reasons, not all of which are explainable. I don't know if anybody picked up on it, but this thread was originally about a girl. I thought we could be together, she felt the same way but her feelings were very complicated and I never quite understood them. Regardless of that, we still ended up being rather physically intimate in ways that I thought went against everything I had ever learned as a 'Christian.' She's still my best friend even though we're never going to end up dating because of a lot of different issues, but our relationship is indicative of what's happening in my life as a whole: I'm just really not sure who I am as a person anymore, not really in the slightest.

For starters, I'm beginning to resent the result of my growing up overseas. It's not like I hated it or that my parents did a bad job of raising me, I actually think they're amazing... but I've come to a point in my life where I've been able to adjust myself to American society and I'm starting to miss all of the things that I didn't get to experience as a result of not growing up here. I think it goes deeper in that I just get so frustrated because no one really has the capability of understanding me, and I've missed out on the opportunity to relate to other people as well.

As it turns out, life at the school that I go to (Houghton) isn't really all that I used to think it was. I don't feel like I have very many friends anymore, and the ones that I do have, there's that barrier that they won't be able to pass because they can't understand me. I really have no idea what I'm doing with the major that I'm in. I don't really write anymore unless I have to for class, and I barely read either, which pretty much cancels out anything that I would do as a part of my education. I can't even pin down why I picked it in the first place, I'm not even sure that I like it anymore, but I really don't know what else I would do. I came here expecting to learn how to 'make it in the real world,' how to adjust myself to becoming an adult, and knowing more what my calling will be. Spiritually, I came in expecting to find a church that I could dig into, I wanted a spiritual mentor that would be able to show me the right way to go, and help me grow in my faith. Now, going into my first semester as a junior, I'm questioning what I'm even learning and how it's relevant to any of that and how it's supposed to help me. It's hard for me to say that I've even learned anything in the two years that I've been here. I haven't found a church yet, or anyone that I could at least talk about with my issues, and I feel more spiritually bankrupt now than I've ever been.

Despite all these insecurities and misgivings, I still decided to try and assert myself as a person, still attempting to grow by applying for an RA position at Houghton, and beyond all reason, ended up being accepted... I think what's most pressingly terrifying right now is the prospect of becoming an RA. I have all these issues, all these barriers, that keep cropping up and I can't do anything about it. I don't understand how I'm suppose to give any sort of advice or relate to the guys on my floor when it would probably end up being hypocritical. I don't understand how I'm suppose to represent Houghton as an institution when I've lost all faith in it. Or even more importantly, I don't understand how I'm supposed to represent Christ when he's someone that I'm no longer familiar with.

I know that a lot of these issues are commonplace, but it's just so hard to stay positive right now. I don't really feel like I have a whole lot to look up to or believe in. I really appreciate this site and a lot of times I wish I was contributing more, but for right now I just appreciate your thoughts (and prayers, I guess if you want). Thanks for listening/reading, I wish I had more uplifting things to say.

[ohnolookout]

I feel like people grow more in the first couple years of college moreso than all of their years of high school. Had someone compared who I am before college and now, it'd be two different people. Some things, unfortunately, changed for the worse (but I'm working on getting it back up) and others for the better. There are seasons where it feels our identity is torn apart and we really have no idea what to do. To me, it seems like you just got a lot of those bunched up at the same time.

The Lord said to Joshua, “Today I will begin to zexalt you in the sight of all Israel, that they may know that, as I was with Moses, so I will be with you. And as for you, command the priests who bear the ark of the covenant, ‘When you come to the brink of the waters of the Jordan, you shall stand still in the Jordan.’”

I don't know where you're at spiritually. But what's helped me is remembering this passage. The Israelites were on the brink of traveling into the promised land, except the river Jordan was flooding. God called Joshua to have the priests to bring the ark into the Jordan, and then God would deliver them into the promised land. God then shoved all the water to either side and everyone went through safely. It's a reminder that God always leads us into a situation, and even though it's flooding, God will deliver us because He is always faithful, even during the times where we feel alone and nothing makes sense.

Hope that helps. I'll be praying for ya, dude. Still here if you wanna chat.

[ccgr]

praying for wisdom and direction and for God to bring the right people into your life to get you back on track. I too am here if you want to chat.

[Chozon1]

Praying for you dude. Here if you need someone to yell at.

[TripExistence]

I feel spiritually dead. I cannot escape God, I will never doubt his existence but recently have continually doubted his presence. I haven't been to church in months, but there aren't really any churches around here that I feel comfortable going to anyway. At this point, it'd just be going because I felt like I should, which I think is a really bad reason to ever go to church.

I feel totally fake. There's this continual barrier that I have to put up because it feels as if people here don't understand what going through this type of situation is like. Either they blindly follow the religion of their parents or the religion touted by the college or they hate everything about this place. I'm not quite the latter, but I feel like I don't want to be the former.

I always get so frustrated because I see evidence of God working in other people's lives, working in them and through them, changing things completely for the better, and I get frustrated because I've tried so hard my entire life to feel him the way I've seen my parents and other people feel him, and it's just never happened. I have no direction, no desire to read the Bible because it ends up making God feel more distant, and nobody here who can help me cope with this spiritual confusion and apathy. I do want to put my best foot forward, to step out in a strong faith, but right now I just don't feel anything.

[ccgr]

It seem that what you need is your own faith, not something that was passed down to you. Many know that I was raised catholic but didn't agree with much of their teachings so I had to go on my own spiritual journey until I found a Bible believing church that wasn't ban/burn/protest happy or too charismatic. (been to many interesting churches in my search) Have you done an internet search on churches nearby and check out their website/beliefs? Perhaps you're in the same place I was 15 years ago, searching for a faith to claim as my own.

The Bible doesn't want us to be lone rangers, we need to get plugged in and spiritually fed. Yeah being a lone ranger is better than nothing but as you can tell, it's draining you spiritually. It's kind of like a fan club, if you're the only fan it's not very exciting.

I'll pray for wisdom and guidance. We're always here online if you want to talk. Feel free to join our Bible study

[Chozon1]

Praying for you Ben. I would also caution you not to trust your feelings, but make the choice to trust what God says and what you know.

[ohnolookout]

I'd advise to do what Cheryl says. Iz good advice.

Still praying for ya, bro.

[cvhack]

Out of curiousity, if you don't feel like going to any of the churches near you, have you considered watching/listening to sermons online? Mark Brewer is a great pastor and someone I would recommend if you are interested.

Will pray for you, and also willing to talk if you want.