Pray for my Identity Crisis (please read)

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ZanySauce
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Pray for my Identity Crisis (please read)

Postby ZanySauce » Thu Sep 07, 2017 3:56 am

Please consider this letter, my faithful Christian brothers and sisters, and try to understand.

On Monday evening the week of writing this, I got home from an awesome spiritual retreat. I was on a "spiritual high" as some would call it. However, in just a matter of less than two days when things took a bad turn. I went straight back to my old ways- the ways of "I know that it would please God to do the right thing (Doing my homework, reading the Bible, exercising, etc.), but I know God wouldn't mind at all if I did this other thing that isn't that bad (Procrastinating, entertaining myself instead of doing work, etc.)."

I am making this post out of shame and an ache in my heart. I have been trying to do many things to build my identity in Christ;
working hard to get good grades,
faithfully pursuing education,
working hard on doing chores for the family,
reading instead of looking at screens,
exercising often,
not watching things with blasphemy,
making friends in school so I can bring them to Christ,
eating healthy,
having good sleep habits,
doing my complete hygiene routine every day,
being nice to my family,
keeping in contact with my Christian friends,
starting a blog in order to spread my insight into the word,
keeping a personal journal of notable things in my life,
fasting from YouTube and Netflix,
fasting from the internet entirely,
watching certain shows in order to make myself a better person,
only playing video games if it involves interacting with other people.

I have tried so hard to do all of these things as well as many more things in order to build my identity. But perhaps the most tragic failure of all is trying to be myself. I don't know how to be myself, because I don't know myself. Everything I know about about the Bible prevents me from seeking the pleasure I desire, so I am forced to sin in order to fill the craving. It's not drugs or alcohol, but long lonely hours on end of pure entertainment that distracts me from the real world of things that matter. Things that are made of matter, tangible things that are not imagination. I am trapped. Only by means of Jesus Christ I have ever felt free from this. But It doesn't last, I always came back to this way of life some way or another.

For it says in Romans 7:14-25
So the trouble is not with the law, for it is spiritual and good. The trouble is with me, for I am all too human, a slave to sin. I don’t really understand myself, for I want to do what is right, but I don’t do it. Instead, I do what I hate. But if I know that what I am doing is wrong, this shows that I agree that the law is good. So I am not the one doing wrong; it is sin living in me that does it.
And I know that nothing good lives in me, that is, in my sinful nature. I want to do what is right, but I can’t. I want to do what is good, but I don’t. I don’t want to do what is wrong, but I do it anyway. But if I do what I don’t want to do, I am not really the one doing wrong; it is sin living in me that does it.
I have discovered this principle of life—that when I want to do what is right, I inevitably do what is wrong. I love God’s law with all my heart. But there is another power within me that is at war with my mind. This power makes me a slave to the sin that is still within me. Oh, what a miserable person I am! Who will free me from this life that is dominated by sin and death? Thank God! The answer is in Jesus Christ our Lord. So you see how it is: In my mind I really want to obey God’s law, but because of my sinful nature I am a slave to sin.
And much earlier in the Bible it says in Ecclesiastes 7:23-29
I have always tried my best to let wisdom guide my thoughts and actions. I said to myself, “I am determined to be wise.” But it didn’t work. Wisdom is always distant and difficult to find. I searched everywhere, determined to find wisdom and to understand the reason for things. I was determined to prove to myself that wickedness is stupid and that foolishness is madness.
I discovered that a seductive woman is a trap more bitter than death. Her passion is a snare, and her soft hands are chains. Those who are pleasing to God will escape her, but sinners will be caught in her snare.
“This is my conclusion,” says the Teacher. “I discovered this after looking at the matter from every possible angle. Though I have searched repeatedly, I have not found what I was looking for. Only one out of a thousand men is virtuous, but not one woman! But I did find this: God created people to be virtuous, but they have each turned to follow their own downward path.”
And in 1 Peter 5:8-10
Stay alert! Watch out for your great enemy, the devil. He prowls around like a roaring lion, looking for someone to devour. Stand firm against him, and be strong in your faith. Remember that your family of believers all over the world is going through the same kind of suffering you are.
In his kindness God called you to share in his eternal glory by means of Christ Jesus. So after you have suffered a little while, he will restore, support, and strengthen you, and he will place you on a firm foundation.
Because of these verses, surely I am not alone in this issue of my faith. Sadly, the more I read these verses the less they mean to me. If this keeps up, soon all that they will mean to me is great sorrow and grief that I can't do the right thing. I know it's not true that I can only do bad, as God has a way out. But the pain in the anticipation of the escape is soul crushing. I know this pain will end somehow, but I thought it already had.

I hope this rambling and nonsense makes sense to someone, and somehow a coherent prayer is spoken that convinces God not to destroy me on my 491st sin. Oh, how I have let down my Lord! My blind human eyes can not see the purpose of this pain! I am supposed to be happy because of my great investment of faith, but instead of reaping joy I reap pain and shame!

However, I don't blame God for all of this. Instead, a different factor must be contributing to my sin. Perhaps it's my humanness, a demon, or Satan himself. I have indeed seen the truths described in the Bible play out in the real world, but the more I know the more grief I feel for unbelieving. The more I attempt to reform myself, the less my self-proclaimed constitutions mean.

Reader, please heed my letter. Please don't let it fall into the abyss of time yet. Please pray for me. Please don't just say you'll pray for someone, but actually do it! Do it often! Feel great shame and pain as I do when I lie to people when I say I will pray for them, such as when I only say a tiny thoughtless prayer if any prayer at all. Surely, I must not be alone in my suffering.

And quite tragically, since I wrote this in only one night while tired I will look back at this letter and scoff, saying it's just another futile attempt at trying to do something to try to stop this. Help. Sorry that I am not sorry.

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Re: Pray for my Identity Crisis (please read)

Postby evered » Thu Sep 07, 2017 5:47 am

Zany, Put your hand on your heart. Feel that? That's a heart beat. That's a purpose to live.

God will show you who you are. You are a wonderful person And I know it. I know you might be going through a hard time, but always remember God will love you through it. And no one can take that love away from you. Just be who you wanna be but don't stress over doing something that's right. Everyone here is a sinner. Everyone here has told a lie. Stole something. Murmured something. Did wrong dueing. And even some of us who are just flat out a shamed. I don't know where I'm going with this. But just know we're all here for you and I will be praying everyday for you. And when I say I'll pray. I'll pray. It grieves me harder and harder to hear my friends suffer. And to pray just gives me peace. To know he has a plan for every single one. "All of them will lead great nations." He told me. He said that they will all have a purpose and he has a huge plan for them all.

Also so let's study this a bit more before we are claimed to be stuck in sin forever.
Okay so first of all.
for it says In romans 7:14
but before you are done and close the Bible, in the next chapter it picks up saying:
8 Therefore, there is now no condemnation for those who are in Christ Jesus, 2 because through Christ Jesus the law of the Spirit who gives life has set you free from the law of sin and death. 3 For what the law was powerless to do because it was weakened by the flesh, God did by sending his own Son in the likeness of sinful flesh to be a sin offering.[c] And so he condemned sin in the flesh, 4 in order that the righteous requirement of the law might be fully met in us, who do not live according to the flesh but according to the Spirit.
So, God made us free. And he gave us purpose too. Says here:
“Before I formed you in the womb I knew you, and before you were born I consecrated you; I appointed you a prophet to the nations.”

Does that not give you enough strength to move mountains? He gave you life, purpose, and meaning. I might just be a person rambling on trying as hard as I can to make you feel better. But just know we're here for you okay? And probably half the stuff I just said might not even releate to what your having to deal with. But I tried my best. I'm sorry for what you had to go through.

-Heidi
(Edited twice)
Last edited by evered on Thu Sep 07, 2017 6:26 am, edited 1 time in total.

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evered
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Re: Pray for my Identity Crisis (please read)

Postby evered » Thu Sep 07, 2017 6:19 am

The more times I read this over I grieve of how bad my friend is hurting.

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Re: Pray for my Identity Crisis (please read)

Postby evered » Thu Sep 07, 2017 6:31 am

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Re: Pray for my Identity Crisis (please read)

Postby ccgr » Thu Sep 07, 2017 12:57 pm

Praying

Joshua 1:9 - Have I not commanded you? Be strong and courageous. Do not be afraid; do not be discouraged, for the LORD your God will be with you wherever you go."

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Re: Pray for my Identity Crisis (please read)

Postby Starfire11 » Fri Sep 08, 2017 2:01 pm

God will always love you, always believe in you and always expect the best from you. He will never leave you.
If we are faithless, he remains faithful—for he cannot deny himself.
2 Timothy 2:13
...."I will never leave you or forsake you." Hebrews 13:5
For God so loved the world that he gave his only Son, so that everyone who beilieves in him may not perish but may have eternal life. Indeed, God did not send the Son into the world to condemn the world, but in order that the world might be saved through him.
John 3:16-17
We are all sinners.
since all have sinned and fall short of the glory of God. Romans 3:23
But God forgives and forgets.
I, I am He who blots out your transgressions for my own sake, and I will not remember your sins. Isaiah 43:25
Everything I know about about the Bible prevents me from seeking the pleasure I desire, so I am forced to sin in order to fill the craving.
How about changing your views on what's fun? Explore God's creation, create a nature journal, learn a new language, write to a pen pal, teach someone how to draw, do a Bible study with someone, and so on.


We all walk through "valleys", and that's ok. It's what makes us stronger.


If being on "spiritual high" made you feel good, write down the thing that made you feel closer to God. Was is a Bible verse or a particular song?

Praying for you. Hope this helps :)

-starfire11
i thank You . . . for most this amazing day: for the leaping greenly spirits of trees and a blue true dream of sky; and for everything which is natural which is infinite which is yes
-e. e. cummings

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Re: Pray for my Identity Crisis (please read)

Postby vertigoat » Sun Nov 19, 2017 3:21 am

i can heavily relate to being addicted to the internet - its so hard for me to get outside. sending prayers, i hope we can both live the lives we want to live with Christ


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